Randomness

I havent been here that often - havent had much to say really which is most unlike me!
So I thought I'd make a blog of all the small things that have happened recently

1) The bigest : Pride.

I recently discovered a new type of pride.
One where you put yourself out there to be judged and critised by people that dont even know you, and to have lost a competition by people who are better than you in your industry of work - only to be told a few weeks later that we were the most enthusiastic people the judges had seen and wished that we could have won an enthusiasm award. The judges were happy with us and want to see us go further and go again next year. They had a laugh and seemed to genuinely like us and want us to go further. After putting yourself out there, being left down, and being brought up - thats my pride for the week!

Next year, we will be doing it all over again, just as excited as we were this year! :0)


2) Disappointment.

I cant believe I'm typing this on the internet, but a couple of weeks ago, I got asked when I was due to have my next baby - well sorry dude, but I'm not pregnant. Yes I have 4 children and yes I have been lazy - and also found it hard to get back into shape after my 4th and final child - give me a break. Anyway - I went to town and bought a treadmill. I've wanted one for years - a motorized one that sets the pace and you have to do it. I dont think I do too badly on it. I weighed myself a week ago - 78kg. I weighed myself last night - 82kg. I've put ON 4kg. How the fuck can diet and exercise make me gain 4kg in a week?? Dont you dare say muscle because I dont want muscle at the moment.. I want no fat!
To be honest, I think the scales were wrong in the first instance and hubby might have fixed them since then.
I remember when I went on a gluten free diet when I was diagnosed with coeliacs disease - I lost 18kg. My goal at the moment is to be at 60kg. I cant go gluten free again as I already am!
I have another goal aswell - there is a triathlon in my hometown in December or early November. I'm thinking of entering - hopefully I can con my sister into doing it with me. Its only a 100m swim which I know I could do.. well I hope I could do. The biggest part is the bike ride which I loooooove doing.

I'm sure I'll do it fine .. slowly, but fine :P


3) Fear

We fired one of our staff members last week and I genuinely feared for my safety and the safety of my dog. He hates my dog and I'm sure that he had something on his when he came storming up to the back door. I've never felt so threatened in all my life. I feel for him really. It is a sad and awkward situation. I didnt sleep well that night. Its getting better though.


4) Worry

After firing our employee and being unable to sleep, I amused myself online while trying not to think about what this guy could do. While online, I was msning a friend of mine who seemed happy and life was going great for her - until later into the night when it was revealed that she thinks she has post natal depression and scared her partner a few days earlier by wanting to take her own life. She is such a bubbly, warm and kind person and she feels so alone at the moment. She is too busy working her ass off to help her business, help her husband, and care for her children, so she doesnt have time to go to the doctor. I pleaded with her - I dont know what else to do. What if I realise what to do, after its too late? I dont know who knows - who can help her. I've never met her before as shes an online friend and doesnt live near me.
I worry for her. I might have to look her up and give her a phone call. That will scare her into going to the doctor hopefully - having someone she has never spoke to her before on the phone, calling to see how she is.. lol.


5) Sadness
In the current state of the world, and the recession - business owners are taking on more work themselves and laying off staff. Another online friend of mine in her 60s, well her husband was pretty much guarenteed a lifelong job at a specific place, which was fantastic as they found it hard to get work because of his age. This year, he has been laid off. She doesnt know where they will live, how they will pay their bills, how they will survive. they should be enjoying their lifestyle, not worrying about being homeless.


6) Fear, worry and sadness.
We have 4 beautiful children. We have offered to take 2 more as their home is unsafe for them. Apparently this is not a temporary measure. I dont want to go into too much here, but you can tell by heading, what is going through us.




Should I leave on a happy note?
Well I have a new hobby. I recently got taught how to use a chainsaw properly, so have been cutting wood. I also managed to use the axe correctly too.
I tell you - my husband is a damn lucky man sometimes! I cut, chop, stack and bring it inside!!
I'm sure the novelty will eventually wear off but for now - I'm having fun :0)

Heartfelt moments of children

I have the most beautiful children, who can have the most kindest hearts.

For christmas, Miss 5 bought Miss 7 a letter writing set with embossed envelopes and lovely pictures. So Miss 7 began writing letters to the people in her life that she loved.

She wrote 3, one to a very good friend of mine who looks after the children when we need her to, one to me, and one to my husband. She was playing outside and I simply couldnt help myself but to read the letters that she had written and neatly tucked inside of the envelopes.

The first one, to my friend :

Dear ...
Thank you for looking after us when mummy was not here, I hope you had a good time with us. I love you, love from ***.

It was a wee bit more extended but you get the picture.

Feeling such great pride in that she had written this all by herself with no help and was genuinely thankful and grateful, with such kindness and lovingness toward my friend, I couldnt help but wonder what she had written about me, being her mother. So I placed the first letter back neatly into the first envelope addressed to my friend, and popped it back in place. I gently took my one from the wee pile and opened it up to have a read to keep that 'awww' feeling.
It read:

Dear Mummy,
Do you like milking cows with Daddy? Because I would get poos and wees on my arms.
Love from ***.

**sigh**

Disturbing ?

Do you ever have many 'car crash' moments? When you know you shouldnt be watching but you just cant move your eyes?

I found myself staring at a man today. He was in his 40's or 50's, walking in the middle of town at 9pm this evening, with a cloth shoulder bag which seemed to be stuffed with plastic bags. He came toward my vehicle and stopped at the half filled rubbish bin that I was parked next to.

He put his entire arm inside the rubbish bin as if knowing exactly what was in there, and pulling out a half full bottle of budget cola and popping it inside his bag.

Was it filled with alcohol that had been dumped there as the police were just up the road? Or was he actually digging around the rubbish bins to find what he could consume for the day?

You have to remember that either of these theories are not good. It is December the 22nd, so 3 days until christmas, and its a Monday. Who drinks on a Monday?

Am I *that* sheltered that I dont realise there are homeless people in my home town, which I always thought to be safe and friendly? How many homeless live here? Is it due to the recession, or their own personal problems? Why is no one there for them? Why are they left to suffer?

I feel like a very naive child sometimes with all too much to learn about the world.

Hair today, gone tomorrow... ?

This is going to be one hell of a boring blog.

I have short hair. My children pull it and I really couldnt be bothered with the hassle of having such long hair, so I cut it off! I've felt great for a year! Well, over a year now. I have short hair, brown, somewhat spiky - I throw gel in it and thats me for the day. Easy.

Anyway.. it has come to my attention that this is the look of a lesbian LOL .. umm, no I dont agree with it, but there are 2 more reasons to get out of this look. 1) I think my face is too fat for short hair and 2) I feel quite ugly to be honest. You see all of these beautiful women with lovely long hair, yet very few with short hair - they all look like they're making a statement, going against the grain.

Well, I want to be pretty. I've said that before. Maybe its impossible? Maybe its not.
I asked a friend, grow it, or keep it short? She was just as confused as me - if you know me, and have seen me, then please tell me what you think LOL

I dont really have much else to say today. Its been very up and down. Its been scary, angry, upset, happy, bizarre and quite nice. We've had it all.

Hmm

Do you think that you lose your loved one, the same way you found them?

My husband doesnt like me talking to males on the internet because that is how we met. He's scared that I'll lose him the same way. Its to the point where I'm not 'allowed' to have males on my msn list. That really sucks.

About a fortnight or so ago, his brother left his wife and 3 children (hang on .. bad 'aunty' moment.. I KNOW they have 2 boys .. cant picture a third.. maybe he just left 2 .. ugh, he left his wife and children..) to go and live with his new girlfriend who he met off facebook. He had obviously been cheating on his wife for some time before moving in with his new woman.
To put this as short as possible, my brother in law, got married and had 3 children, then he started shagging his neighbours wife.. and his wife started shagging the neighbours husband - so they swapped partners and each got married to the other partners. So now, after he cheated on his first wife to get his 2nd wife, he has cheated on his 2nd wife to get to his new girlfriend.
That really sucks.
I live on the other side of the world - which wife am I going to meet? And which set of children will I meet? I dont know if I want to meet the 3rd one as I really like the 2nd one. She is really nice.
My mother in law really likes the 1st one.

Speaking of which.. my husband and I have paid for my mother in law to come over here for a month starting February. I'm really excited about that.

I read that I've been tagged to write 7 random things about me.
I'm an incredibly boring person and dont really know what to write for that one. I guess I'll have to 'dig deep'..

1) When I was 16 and living in a small 2 bedroom flat with my boyfriend, the neighbour was going to gas his kittens which I highly objected to and ended up taking them and temporarily having 10 felines all up in our small flat!

2) In that same flat, with the same guy, he came over to our house once and asked me for my urine. He needed to do a urine test for the police to prove that he didnt have any drugs in his system, and figured I'd be a good drug-free candidate.

3) I started a new course yesterday actually AT a school, with real classrooms, a real tutor and real classmates. I have a feeling that I wont be finishing the studies though as I question just about everything he is trying to teach. I think the class is bullshit to be honest - I'm paying $1000 for our worker and myself to get a piece of paper to prove we've done the course. The course is one of the highest you can get and yet its incredibly bland and written for dumbasses. I cant spell dumbasses but that doesnt mean that I am one.

4) My last 2 hair cuts have been done by my husband, both of which after me threatening to shave it all off if he doesnt do it. Now THATS love.

5) I still suck my thumb. I'm 25, a mother of 4, a business owner and suck my thumb. Who cares? Apparently lots of people do - I dont. I have very good sucking action and a very capable mouth.

6) I think I have watched every made episode of Hannah Montana and High School Musical.

7) I'm gluten intolerant - and meant to be dairy intolerant aswell. I make allowances on the dairy and am always up for a good beer.

Well today is quite sad

We've had a few really good days. So many challenges - oh so many!! More challenges than most people get in their first year doing what we're doing.
Anyway **sighs**, the truck is outside. The cows are being loaded. Away they'll be going in about 5 short minutes.

These beautiful, plump, well fed, round bellied, quiet, loved heifers that came to us in a state that the SPCA would be grumpy with; as skinny as hell with evidence of lice and severe malnourishment, are leaving today to go to the farm that they were originally going to be milked on.

We were basically doing the owner a favour by calving and milking them while he got his milking shed ready.

I'm gutted.

I knew this day was coming - we all did. We were prepared, the paper work is done, the records are right, but now that the day has come.. it is very disheartening.
We've put so much money, time, feed and love into these girls, bringing them up not just to a 'good state', but we have a reputation of having the best stock in the area - these girls are a part of that. The owner is getting prime stock while we miss them.
We couldnt milk them as much as we wanted to due to their original condition.

I hope that whoever milks them as of tomorrow, respects them, and cares for them. I hope that they deserve the best stock.



On another sad note, tomorrow is the birthday of my old classmate who committed suicide 7 years ago. I can never think about her without asking why. Such a beautiful, bright, talented girl.

Why.

It would be her 25th. Its crazy. I forget just about everything .. my own birthday doesnt matter, but I've never forgotten hers.

**looks out the window** there goes the truck.

November is a bad month

We have had such a bad run this month. See if you personally, can top this..?
We got antibiotics in the milk, which meant that we had to tip out over 5000 litres of milk. That will effect so many things - our reputation, our season of milk solids, our financials. That was a bad day.
The following day, I blew the engine up on our main vehicle which is going to cost us thousands to fix. It was on the way to school, dropping my girls off. I had the dogs with me and had to walk with the children to a nearby house.
We also had an employee quit which meant that we have to advertise again and go through the entire process again.
Our 2nd main vehicle stopped going into gear.
The payout is dropping like a sack of shit, which means that if we had done our budgets like everyone else, we'd be going incredibly broke about now!
I lost my necklace that my husband had recently bought me.
And last but not least.. my puppy got ran over. I dont even know who did it - the gutless asshole never told me. They didnt inform anyone of it - we had to find him with a fucked leg.

Thinking about how bad of a month I've had, its also nearly my 3rd daughters birthday. She is due to be 3 at the end of the month. I belong to a community online and there are a lot of threads of 'due dates', I remember joining my due date thread when I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter, and getting to know the other mums a bit better. The highs, the lows, the ins, the outs.
One particular mother had her baby girl the very day before I had my daughter. Such a special time, and so our daughters birthdays are due to fall within the next fortnight.
Her little girl wont see her birthday.
She died of cancer only a couple of days ago.
There is her journal online that brings everyone to tears.
There are not many words that can express what I feel. This is hard.
We have had such a hard, financial and emotional month, and yet all of our problems together would never equate to just one day, of having to watch your 2 year old die before your eyes.

At the end of the day, we tipped the milk out - we have insurance to cover that.
Our vehicle broke down on the way to school. I had planned to do a 7 hour trip in it and yet it broke down near our house.
Our employee quitting is awesome - we can replace him with someone who doesnt hurt the cows and someone who actually cares about them.
We fixed our 2nd vehicle with simple transmission oil.
The payout might be dropping, but our investment that we made in a piece of machinery is nearly paying for itself in the first year of ownership.
My daughter had taken my necklace to school with her and her teacher sent it home with her so I got it back.
My puppy at worst, will have a broken leg and need orthapedic surgery which will cost a lot - who cares, its only money. We would pay whatever it takes for him to be better and healthy.

There are positives to all of our negatives - where is the positive in a child dying of cancer?
That, I will never answer.