Disturbing ?

Do you ever have many 'car crash' moments? When you know you shouldnt be watching but you just cant move your eyes?

I found myself staring at a man today. He was in his 40's or 50's, walking in the middle of town at 9pm this evening, with a cloth shoulder bag which seemed to be stuffed with plastic bags. He came toward my vehicle and stopped at the half filled rubbish bin that I was parked next to.

He put his entire arm inside the rubbish bin as if knowing exactly what was in there, and pulling out a half full bottle of budget cola and popping it inside his bag.

Was it filled with alcohol that had been dumped there as the police were just up the road? Or was he actually digging around the rubbish bins to find what he could consume for the day?

You have to remember that either of these theories are not good. It is December the 22nd, so 3 days until christmas, and its a Monday. Who drinks on a Monday?

Am I *that* sheltered that I dont realise there are homeless people in my home town, which I always thought to be safe and friendly? How many homeless live here? Is it due to the recession, or their own personal problems? Why is no one there for them? Why are they left to suffer?

I feel like a very naive child sometimes with all too much to learn about the world.

Hair today, gone tomorrow... ?

This is going to be one hell of a boring blog.

I have short hair. My children pull it and I really couldnt be bothered with the hassle of having such long hair, so I cut it off! I've felt great for a year! Well, over a year now. I have short hair, brown, somewhat spiky - I throw gel in it and thats me for the day. Easy.

Anyway.. it has come to my attention that this is the look of a lesbian LOL .. umm, no I dont agree with it, but there are 2 more reasons to get out of this look. 1) I think my face is too fat for short hair and 2) I feel quite ugly to be honest. You see all of these beautiful women with lovely long hair, yet very few with short hair - they all look like they're making a statement, going against the grain.

Well, I want to be pretty. I've said that before. Maybe its impossible? Maybe its not.
I asked a friend, grow it, or keep it short? She was just as confused as me - if you know me, and have seen me, then please tell me what you think LOL

I dont really have much else to say today. Its been very up and down. Its been scary, angry, upset, happy, bizarre and quite nice. We've had it all.

Hmm

Do you think that you lose your loved one, the same way you found them?

My husband doesnt like me talking to males on the internet because that is how we met. He's scared that I'll lose him the same way. Its to the point where I'm not 'allowed' to have males on my msn list. That really sucks.

About a fortnight or so ago, his brother left his wife and 3 children (hang on .. bad 'aunty' moment.. I KNOW they have 2 boys .. cant picture a third.. maybe he just left 2 .. ugh, he left his wife and children..) to go and live with his new girlfriend who he met off facebook. He had obviously been cheating on his wife for some time before moving in with his new woman.
To put this as short as possible, my brother in law, got married and had 3 children, then he started shagging his neighbours wife.. and his wife started shagging the neighbours husband - so they swapped partners and each got married to the other partners. So now, after he cheated on his first wife to get his 2nd wife, he has cheated on his 2nd wife to get to his new girlfriend.
That really sucks.
I live on the other side of the world - which wife am I going to meet? And which set of children will I meet? I dont know if I want to meet the 3rd one as I really like the 2nd one. She is really nice.
My mother in law really likes the 1st one.

Speaking of which.. my husband and I have paid for my mother in law to come over here for a month starting February. I'm really excited about that.

I read that I've been tagged to write 7 random things about me.
I'm an incredibly boring person and dont really know what to write for that one. I guess I'll have to 'dig deep'..

1) When I was 16 and living in a small 2 bedroom flat with my boyfriend, the neighbour was going to gas his kittens which I highly objected to and ended up taking them and temporarily having 10 felines all up in our small flat!

2) In that same flat, with the same guy, he came over to our house once and asked me for my urine. He needed to do a urine test for the police to prove that he didnt have any drugs in his system, and figured I'd be a good drug-free candidate.

3) I started a new course yesterday actually AT a school, with real classrooms, a real tutor and real classmates. I have a feeling that I wont be finishing the studies though as I question just about everything he is trying to teach. I think the class is bullshit to be honest - I'm paying $1000 for our worker and myself to get a piece of paper to prove we've done the course. The course is one of the highest you can get and yet its incredibly bland and written for dumbasses. I cant spell dumbasses but that doesnt mean that I am one.

4) My last 2 hair cuts have been done by my husband, both of which after me threatening to shave it all off if he doesnt do it. Now THATS love.

5) I still suck my thumb. I'm 25, a mother of 4, a business owner and suck my thumb. Who cares? Apparently lots of people do - I dont. I have very good sucking action and a very capable mouth.

6) I think I have watched every made episode of Hannah Montana and High School Musical.

7) I'm gluten intolerant - and meant to be dairy intolerant aswell. I make allowances on the dairy and am always up for a good beer.

Well today is quite sad

We've had a few really good days. So many challenges - oh so many!! More challenges than most people get in their first year doing what we're doing.
Anyway **sighs**, the truck is outside. The cows are being loaded. Away they'll be going in about 5 short minutes.

These beautiful, plump, well fed, round bellied, quiet, loved heifers that came to us in a state that the SPCA would be grumpy with; as skinny as hell with evidence of lice and severe malnourishment, are leaving today to go to the farm that they were originally going to be milked on.

We were basically doing the owner a favour by calving and milking them while he got his milking shed ready.

I'm gutted.

I knew this day was coming - we all did. We were prepared, the paper work is done, the records are right, but now that the day has come.. it is very disheartening.
We've put so much money, time, feed and love into these girls, bringing them up not just to a 'good state', but we have a reputation of having the best stock in the area - these girls are a part of that. The owner is getting prime stock while we miss them.
We couldnt milk them as much as we wanted to due to their original condition.

I hope that whoever milks them as of tomorrow, respects them, and cares for them. I hope that they deserve the best stock.



On another sad note, tomorrow is the birthday of my old classmate who committed suicide 7 years ago. I can never think about her without asking why. Such a beautiful, bright, talented girl.

Why.

It would be her 25th. Its crazy. I forget just about everything .. my own birthday doesnt matter, but I've never forgotten hers.

**looks out the window** there goes the truck.

November is a bad month

We have had such a bad run this month. See if you personally, can top this..?
We got antibiotics in the milk, which meant that we had to tip out over 5000 litres of milk. That will effect so many things - our reputation, our season of milk solids, our financials. That was a bad day.
The following day, I blew the engine up on our main vehicle which is going to cost us thousands to fix. It was on the way to school, dropping my girls off. I had the dogs with me and had to walk with the children to a nearby house.
We also had an employee quit which meant that we have to advertise again and go through the entire process again.
Our 2nd main vehicle stopped going into gear.
The payout is dropping like a sack of shit, which means that if we had done our budgets like everyone else, we'd be going incredibly broke about now!
I lost my necklace that my husband had recently bought me.
And last but not least.. my puppy got ran over. I dont even know who did it - the gutless asshole never told me. They didnt inform anyone of it - we had to find him with a fucked leg.

Thinking about how bad of a month I've had, its also nearly my 3rd daughters birthday. She is due to be 3 at the end of the month. I belong to a community online and there are a lot of threads of 'due dates', I remember joining my due date thread when I was pregnant with my 3rd daughter, and getting to know the other mums a bit better. The highs, the lows, the ins, the outs.
One particular mother had her baby girl the very day before I had my daughter. Such a special time, and so our daughters birthdays are due to fall within the next fortnight.
Her little girl wont see her birthday.
She died of cancer only a couple of days ago.
There is her journal online that brings everyone to tears.
There are not many words that can express what I feel. This is hard.
We have had such a hard, financial and emotional month, and yet all of our problems together would never equate to just one day, of having to watch your 2 year old die before your eyes.

At the end of the day, we tipped the milk out - we have insurance to cover that.
Our vehicle broke down on the way to school. I had planned to do a 7 hour trip in it and yet it broke down near our house.
Our employee quitting is awesome - we can replace him with someone who doesnt hurt the cows and someone who actually cares about them.
We fixed our 2nd vehicle with simple transmission oil.
The payout might be dropping, but our investment that we made in a piece of machinery is nearly paying for itself in the first year of ownership.
My daughter had taken my necklace to school with her and her teacher sent it home with her so I got it back.
My puppy at worst, will have a broken leg and need orthapedic surgery which will cost a lot - who cares, its only money. We would pay whatever it takes for him to be better and healthy.

There are positives to all of our negatives - where is the positive in a child dying of cancer?
That, I will never answer.

Was there a day that changed you?

Can you think back, and pinpoint one thing that happened, one comment, one picture, one single moment in time that you KNOW has had a huge effect on your life as it is?
I can.
Its really crazy actually. The way it happened, the way it affected me then, the way it effects me now, and the fact that it was a simple, small statement.

When I was 16, I was living with my boyfriend at the time. We had arguments - lots of them, but there was something there that seemed to hold us together. Maybe we relied on each other too much or just wanted it to work for the sake of it.. who knows?

Anyway, one day, we had had an argument about something, and I was feeling pretty low. I went and got changed into one of my favourite dresses to make myself feel a lot better - you know how you look good on the outside, you feel better on the inside. I also had this thought that maybe my boyfriend would think I looked good aswell and it would put him in a better mood.
Well.. I was wrong.

Its so stupid because its such a small thing. But he walked in and he looked at me, almost in disgust and asked "what's all this shit for?" - thats it. Thats the one question that I will never forget him saying, and how he said, and has had an effect on my future clothing buying experiences.

I lacked confidence back then anyway, but to be put down when I tried boosting myself up - thats just not fair.
Anyway, ever since then, I've had a very staunch, no care attitude, where I dont wear anything nice, no labelled clothes, everything must be cheap, never ever full price, and it cant be that great as it will be worn on the farm anyway. Appearance became a non-issue.

My poor husband.

My husband is completely the opposite. He loves buying shoes, clothes and getting nice new things, and here is me - not even wanting to go inside shops because regardless of what I buy, I'll look like shit anyway.

For the last few months, I've been living in work clothes (even worse than my normal clothes! lol), and gumboots. Today - the 19th of November, I changed that! It was a day in history for me. I went to a large shop and found a pair of 3/4 jeans that I liked and couldnt figure out what sort of top to go with it - almost in tears I asked the lady near me for advice as I explained that I hadnt bought my own things for a few years. She was very kind and picked out a nice top and told me that I was smaller than I think (nice lady! :0) ..). I do have some nice jeans and a few nice tops, but nothing really girly. The things I bought today were actually proper feminine clothes. After the top, and jeans, I bought 2 new pairs of shoes - but not just any shoes... shoes with HEELS. I've worn heels before - on my wedding day. They're gorgeous shoes. I havent loved shoes so much before. The additional part to me buying shoes with heels is that I bought them at FULL price. Thats CRAZY. One day. One day for me.

On the way home, I was dressed in my new clothes and my new shoes and felt so different than just the usual jeans n tee that I usually live in. I felt 'nice', I actually felt quite attractive. Isnt that funny? It was such an odd feeling. Driving all the way home, I was thinking of what my husband would say or think. If he'd ask where his wife had gone, if he was going to be happy, or if he was going to notice at all! What if he didnt even notice? This big, huge thing for me that could possibly go unnoticed, how would I feel? Would this be like a rewind to that day where my boyfriend had dissed me? Was going to get knocked down again and remember HIS statement for a decade?
Thats it though, it WAS such a big thing for me.
I came home to an empty house as he was feeding calves with the children.

When he arrived, he saw me and the first words he said were "you look pretty" .. I couldnt help but smile. All my fears went away. His hug made me feel warm and cosy. Will I remember that I wasnt as hideous as I thought, for the next 10 years?

This is most certainly a day in history though. It was the first morning since having children that I didnt have to wake up and tend to them. I stayed at a friends house overnight and made the journey home during the day. It was amazing not having to worry about breakfasts, morning teas, drinks, uniforms, bags, schedules, nappies, cries, arguments, screams or anything at all. To be quite honest, I didnt think twice about coming home - I thought long and hard all day! I didnt want to come. Being a mum of 4 children is hard.. incredibly hard. You feel that you give all you have to give and there just seems to be nothing left. I think mums need a break, and often.

Well, today was a big day for me - it doesnt sound like a lot, but this could be the beginnings of a whole new me.

My Husband

Not many people can say that they married their hero.
I can.
My husband saved me in so many ways - more ways than you can really save someone.

When I first met him, I was living with my ex boyfriend. We were pregnant, broke, had jobs but they werent exactly top of the line jobs - anything that would bring in income type of jobs. I studied while pregnant. My ex partners mother was basically - a drug dealer. In a smaller form than those spaced out psychos, but she used to sell marijuana to my ex's friends for extra money. She used to gamble a lot and always had a beer in her hand.
She wasnt the type of person that I wanted to be around, let alone have my (unborn) child around.
My husband, gave me the courage to leave my ex, and gave me the will to be a powerful and successful single mother. Thats what I tried.. I left, I gave birth and I tried to be a single mum.
My mum was there the entire time and I am so grateful for what she has done for me, but if it hadnt have been for my husband giving me that emotional, and mental support, maybe I never would have left.

After I did leave, the guy that I had had a crush on for 3 years *finally* wanted to be with me - even after I had a child. My husband was still overseas and we still hadnt met so it would have been so easy to walk away from him and start what I had wanted for years. An instant reaction proved me wrong and I said no to my *crush*. I will never forget that day. Throwing all those years of wanting someone away to be with someone that I had never met. Its funny, because it never felt like a risk.. it just felt normal.

When my husband arrived here, I was so happy. His hugs made me feel warm and snuggly. He encouraged me to keep studying while I was being a stay at home mum, while he worked on the farm. He encouraged me to study throughout my 2nd pregnancy. He never pressured me to work but told me that I could, if I wanted to. I remember once telling him I should apply at McDonalds - the response "No wife of mine is working at a fast food place!" .. alright then - I wont be doing that.

He encouraged me to milk cows, and said that I'd enjoy it and share his passion for his job - how did he know that? I will never know how he knew, but I know he was right.
After 3 or so years together, we worked together - it was a challenge, but one that I would hate to change. We work together now, but its so much more than that.

There are so many parts to a marriage - so many parts to a relationship - a marriage is uniting 2 lives to live together, to share those special moments, to be there when things are tough.
I know that some dont believe in 'the one' - they obviously have never met their 'one'.

I dont know if there are 2 people on earth that 'get' each other, as we do.
I sure hope so.

My husband is a brilliant farmer - the best, in many peoples eyes. I'm under so much pressure to be 'the best wife' of the best farmer.. those are some big boots to fill. He says that I'm good at what I do and that he's so proud of where I've come, where we've come.
He does many jobs that I cant watch, things that make my heart sink, and make me want to vomit - one of those things, is having to humanely kill calves as nobody wants them, which is what we are meant to be doing a lot of.
Recently - we had the most gorgeous Jersey Bull arrive - absolutely gorgeous! Now, we are not allowed to keep the bulls, we are allowed the heifers, but not the bulls because 'they're not worth it'.. well this little bull IS worth it, and I begged and pleaded with my husband to let me give him a chance - let me give him life. He reluctantly agreed firmly telling our staff 'do NOT kill the calf as we want it' (notice I said 'we'?). Yesterday, he said to me "we're not going to make up the heifer numbers, so we'll just keep everything from now on" (if we're allowed to by the owner which I'm not too hopeful about by the way - which is a whole nother blog!) .. I couldnt believe it - after being married to this man for over 6 years and knowing every little thing about him, he just about floors me with this statement of letting me keep ALL calves. He is such a big man, with such a beautiful heart.

He loves me more than I thought any man could ever love his wife.. and I love him more than I thought I ever could.

I love so many things, that are just 'things'.. they mean nothing to anyone else, but everything to me.
The way that he has big jerseys, and lets me wear all of his clothes which are so droopy and comfy on me.
The way I get so grumpy and I NEVER get to stay that way as he makes me laugh.
The way that he always helps with the children.
The way that he will vacuum the floor, or cook dinner to give me a break.
The way he gets grumpy when I nudge or poke him because hes snoring too loudly.
The way he HATES feet but will ignore the feeling of vomit and still rub mine.
The way he gets along with EVERYONE.
The way he goes out of his way to help ANYONE and EVERYONE, with anything at all that he can help with.
The way he adores our family portraits and comments on how great we all look.
The way he encouraged our dog breeder to let me get the puppy that I wanted, not the one that was actually available.
The way that he doesnt kill the cat when he craps inside **damn cat**.
His big bear hugs.
His big smile when hes done something sweet.
The way that he is constantly bringing me 4 leafed clovers that he finds in paddocks.
The fact he has FANTASTIC taste in jewellery and that he DOESNT buy me a whole heap of it as he knows that I cant wear it in my job.
He supports me in everything I do. I'm so lucky.

People say that you dont know what you've got, until its gone. Well, I know what I've got and I dont want to lose it.
I'm so grateful for what I have. I'm only 24 and have found what others live their entire lives trying to find.

Am I old?

I have LOTS to write about today which will make a change from my normal 'nil'.

To my hot new overseas buddy - send me a freaking email! (please lol) .. It is SO much nicer getting emails from you every once in a while - keeps me sane reading about someone elses life AND your subject heading is never telling me about viagra ;)

My mother recently came to stay for a couple of days and my 5 year old was sitting in her car.. somewhat confused, and amazed she started telling me 'Mum, Nans car is like Kens', confused, I asked why, she replied 'because it has these things on the doors that you pull to make the windows go up and down.' HOW is it, that my children dont know what window winders are, or called? Fair enough, we have electric windows in our vehicles, but still - she is 5 years old. Am I really THAT old that I'll be saying 'back in my day, no cars had electric windows'?? I AM too old for 'back in my day' stories.

On another note .. Where is this (obviously fictional) place, that men dont want as much sex as their female partners? Is it a myth that men have higher sex drives? Is it proven? I want to see evidence!

I work - and I work a lot, and I work hard. I'm my own worst enemy sometimes as I like I think that I can do EVERYTHING, and do it all well. I cant, but I do try. Anyway, 2 days ago, one of our guys was talking to someone and made another worker late for a date, so we decided to teach this guy a lesson in time management by sending our worker home and making our 1st guy finish the jobs yesterday. The 2nd guy didnt want to leave the 1st guy with everything and said that we are a team, but no.. we wanted this guy to learn. Well that lesson taught ME something. After this 1st guy was strugging and his workload was increasing by cows being bitches, I went to help him and he was really upset to the point in crying. This guy a rugged teen who gives the impression of being a manly man. I didnt really know how to handle that one, knowing that he had been crying (he tried to hide it but he knows that I know as I have a big mouth and talk about everything!).. he said he was okay, but its still quite upsetting. I would have hugged him if I knew that my husband wouldnt get jealous LOL. You can control lessons in life, but you cant control how the learner will react.

Do you buy those gift sets of shower gel etc, for people who you dont know what else to buy? Shops are starting to sell bucketloads of them as its coming up to christmas. How many people actually like these gift sets? Do they make them because people like, and use them? or do they make them because they know people will buy them as they'll run out of imaginative ideas of gift giving and have to resort to a gift set?
Well, I for one, love these sets! I figure if I get enough of them, then I wont have to buy shower gel until the middle of the following year. They have to buy NICE ones, but still. Shower gel and moisturiser are awesome things and can always be utilised.
I went shopping with my husband a few days ago and I saw one that I really wanted. It has a bunch of different things in it, the moisturiser has cocoa butter in it, some lime aswell I think.. random things - smells gorgeous. Fresh, crisp. Makes you feel like you are showering in the rainforrest. I love it.

Flannel jammies. Now that it is nearing to Summer, I have fallen in love with flannellette pyjamas. No, I'm not THAT old (well, that was my first question but still..) they are just so damn comfy!! I used to be a naked sleeper, and still sometimes (well usually) am. Every night, I pray that God will protect my children, my husband and myself while we sleep, and then hope like anything that the house doesnt burn down and I have to run around naked.

At least if we had an intruder, I'd scare them senseless.

Bla

Do you ever wonder what goes on inside peoples heads? Why they are such arrogant assholes, what makes them talk the stupid shit that flows out of their mouths, what makes them believe that we are fools and will believe what they say? Some people suck. I hate liars.

What a day its been here already. I think that we are meant to go through a thousand challenges this season to see how we cope and prepare us for the rocky future. The same financial year that we start our own company in a 'secure' industry, the worlds economy starts to crumble and our 'secure' industry announces that they cant pay as much and the prices go down.
To be honest with you, I dont care about the money. We owe so much money that its quite unbelievable, but I just dont care. I dont think that its anything that we cant get out of.

This morning, we woke at 5.30 to a worker at the door ringing the bell. A bridge broke and cows fell through it, one was stuck. We were so lucky that she didnt die, or more.. more could have fallen on her and down the holes.
My husband (the hero), waded through the incredibly cold creek of steadily moving water, and pulled this cow down, where she fell and walked out. She was one lucky cow. The other one managed to get out herself.

My dogs are barking. They bark a lot. They're very protective - maybe too much, BUT when the owner of the farm rides past on his quad at night with his lights off, holding a fencing standard in the air ready to smack them - then I can understand why they show aggression when he is anywhere near us or moving around the farm. He thinks it does them good, he thinks that you have to show them who is in charge, he thinks that they will respect him for it - yeah right - you just wait until you DONT have that standard in your hand and we'll see who has the most respect.

My husband and I were talking to a local the other day and he said something that really stuck in my mind 'its not the rough ones you need to worry about'. He is SO right. All my life, I've been cautious of the rough looking people, the ones who are normally in trouble etc .. but I can see what he means. The ones who have the power, the mind capability, the financial backing.. they're the ones to have in the back in the back of your mind.

My mother in law is coming over in a couple of months and is to be staying for a whole month. I think its fantastic - sure, it will get frustrating having someone here for that length of time, but I think its going to be great. I'm really excited about it. She has told my husband and I to book our own time away so she will look after all of my girls - she is the first person, ever, to have offered that. People generally cant handle my children. I dont know if its mine, or if its because there are 4. I love my girls, and wouldnt change them for anything, but it would be SO nice if I could have time with my husband without children. We have never 'dated', we have had very little time without children, never a night away, never a full day.

Time is one of those things that you just cant get back.

Hmmph

Todays theme song - more of a line is 'I want to get away ... I want to flyyyyyy away'

I never thought that I could feel that I wanted to walk away from everything I've got.. from everyone who I love, and from everything that I've worked towards. I never thought that there would ever be a time when I would happily walk away and not come back for quite a few months. But that is exactly where I am at. I want to disappear for a few months, and come back when I feel better.

I want to fly away.

Annoying tv programmes

There is one particular tv programme that annoys me so much at the moment, and yet I cant help but watch it. A shot at love with Tila Tequila - well the 2nd one.
First of all, I never knew that she existed before the first show came out.. and when I saw it, I wondered what the big deal was. I proceeded to watch each episode, basically to see how desparate some people can be, and what stupid stuff they will do on international television. Do they not realise that the world will see them? See them eating the utter shit they are forced to consume, the vomitting, the crying - oh my goodness.. the crying!! People dont look good when they cry, and when you're doing it over some woman that is picking between you and people from the opposite sex - then you are going to look like a complete and utter disaster.
There is a question in itself.. why on earth would you want to be with someone who has no idea what they want in a partner - gender wise?
Why would anyone enter this competition? Do they truly want to win her heart, or are they all after her money, fame, and to get into the sack with her??
Dont get me wrong though .. there were people on the show that I liked. I really did like Bobby and Danni. I'm glad that neither of them got to be with Tila as they are clearly worth more than her.
I think that the world fell in love with these 2 people. I hope that they're okay after their experience.

I've read (after googling), that she picked the new winner of the 2nd series who rejected her. Well there are responses to that - ha friggen ha! and 'oh shit .. does this mean there will be a 3rd series??'. Does she TRULY believe that she is going to find a person in this way? By having a bunch of people, find a bunch of people, make them do unheard of things, while she snogs the entire room?? Ugh.
I read that Tila was wondering why the winner had entered the show if she didnt know what she wanted - what the hell?? Can Tila really ask that sort of question?? Please, please, dont make a third series. Tila .. go to a club, go to a bar, join a dating website - I dont care.. just stay off the tv !!!




My theme song for the past couple of days has been Eminem, 'they call me superman'. For a young(ish) woman, I'm pretty damn strong (physically)

What is your theme song?

Every day, I have a theme song. It varies on what the day brings, and what happens. I can have different theme songs during the day depending on how it all goes.
I have mainly 2 that come into my days. The 1st one, the best one, usually comes into play when the day is sunny - regardless of how things are going. That song is by U2 'its a beautiful day'.. thats all I hear. I love that song, and its so relevant. It puts you in a 'pumpy' mood and gives a certain amount of energy, making the day go better and encouraging the goodness coming from the sun.
The 2nd theme song that I have playing, is 'theres got to be more.. (to life)' .. by some chick. I really like that song also, but when it has meaning and is relevant to my day to day living, then I dont particularly love it.
Do you ever wonder what else you could have done in your life? Do you wonder if the 'butterfly effect' has had much effect on YOUR life? There are a million ways that life can go, with very simple occasions. Every day 'could' have gone different. What if you'd turned left, instead of right? What if you had been delayed for 2 small minutes? What if you had said no to a particular promotion or job offer? What if you had not had sex on that particular day and not ended up pregnant? What if I had been unable to have children? Where would I be? What if I had developed the keen interest of seeing the world, before I had got pregnant.. who would I be with? Would I even be married? What if I hadnt have been in that particular chatroom, would I still have met my partner in some other way?
People tend not to think of these questions.. nor the answers that go along after them. Their reasoning is 'there is a purpose for everything' and 'there is no use thinking about things that will never come about' .. yes, I agree. I dont think there is a purpose for everything. I used to, but I have too many unanswerable questions. I do however, think people are brought together in particular ways to build relationships - be it friendships, or more.
They say 'life isnt a dress rehearsal'.. but there are far too many things that I want to do in this life!

When you are going through hell .. just keep on going.

If that is so logical.. then why did I flop and fail?
This is hard.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The stress is unbelievable. I'm just about ready to walk away.. WITH all of the debt that we've got into to get this far.

We hired 3 staff members, well 4 actually. One quit - which I am happy about, but we're still a staff member down, one is a dipshit and a fucken drama queen who goes on and on and on about quitting.. its all joking but sometimes I wish he WOULD. Hes away sick at the moment and so is his wife who normally helps me with calves. Thismorning was the weakest point that I've had.
You see, in other posts, I've talked about the bobby truck.. that was due thismorning, and I'm aware they can come anytime after 8.30 .. at 9 they turned up. I had booked 28 on.
What normally happens is the workers wife and I feed the bobbies, make sure they all get a really good feed, and then my partner and our 2 remaining staff move them to a pen which is on a large piece of concrete about a metre off the ground so the truck is the right height for them to be put on. Well thismorning, I had no one to help me feed them, no one to help me move them, no one to open the gates.. I had to do it all myself. Do you know how heavy a full, wriggly 25kg calf is? If you dont, then you're a dumbass because I just told you. I actually think they're more than that, and they dont come with handles. They move, and they're awkward. Half way through feeding them, I started putting the full ones into this pen, I got to 6 and heard the truck coming up the driveway.. that was it.
That was my point.
That was the point of the morning that I broke down and cried. It is so embaressing sobbing uncontrolably in front of 2 truck drivers. I found another in the pen that was ready - there are more.. but I gave up. I went out to make sure they'd feed thismorning, at 11pm last night, and came in just before midnight.. I knew last night that thismorning was going to be an easy feeding.. but it wasnt.
The worst part about all of this for me, is that I asked for help.. I asked my husband to help me with them. Before I even started the calves he had started on the ones that we are keeping.. why?? We can do those at ANY time.. the bobbies, we cant.
He is absolutely shattered. Hes been pushed to his ultimate limit this week.. there is nothing that we can do to solve this problem because its mainly due to the snow thats on the ground.. it increases the feeding out which is so time consuming and they are limited to which paddocks they use etc. They came in last night at 10 to 10.
I feel like we've been slapped in the face with these circumstances.. its not fair. My kids are suffering.. we all are.
We're going through hell. I dont know how to get out.

Alrighty - something positive

I dont know what to write that is positive yet.. but I'm sure as I begin to type, that something will just fall into this empty space.
The latest events.. well a worker quit thismorning which I feel really bad about! She was nearly in tears and I feel awful for her.. but the fact is, she didnt turn up to work for 4 days straight during the hardest 4 days of our working careers and basically was taking the piss out of us as employers. It was hard.

I lost a calf thismorning, number 9. She got scours and we were treating her.. she was a gorgeous wee jersey calf.. she got her head stuck in some bars and died overnight. That sucks.

Oh, I know something positive. I am over the entire 'bobby truck' problem. I actually look forward to the bobby truck coming! The bulls are VERY feisty, and very large. I am happy when that job is over and done with for the day!!

My sister got engaged thismorning. I'm so happy for her. Its been a while! I've been married for 6 years and she has been with her partner longer than I've been with mine. I told my husband and he smiled and said it was about time. Knowing her, she'll have a small reception at the courthouse.. I think that she should do something nice.. not huge, but nice and make it a nice day to remember. You only get to do it once.

I've recently found out that my newest friend (lol) that I email is rather hot, and for some reason it makes me nervous when I get emails from him now.

Over the past week or so, we've had it all.. the sun, the rain, the snow.. we got snowed in and the roads were shut. It was my daughters birthday and we were short staffed so we all had to work. It was the worst birthday ever. She turned 7. She got all that she wanted for her birthday but it doesnt make it any easier that I know it sucked. My partner made her a cake at 1am and the power went out so he couldnt finish it. We tried.. and failed. We had no power for 3 days. We survived and in all honesty, I could've gone longer. But we did have the means for it. We had a generator at the milking shed so we could still milk, and we have a coal range which is also a wet back. Today though, its a beautiful sunny day. If the snow wasnt still covering everything, I'd be letting my calves out for a run around. I'm having the bulk of the day off - after what I've done this week, I think I deserve a couple of hours to myself.

My baby is walking around the furniture now. Kids grow so fast.

My blog is so sad

Why is it that I only ever want to talk about the sadness and bad things that affect me in this blog? I'm not a depressed person, and I'm usually pretty happy - maybe this can be my 'out'.

There is something in particular that I want to 'let go of' though. I dont think I can, as its going to be a hard, and long process of reoccurance.

Now, I'm a dairy farmers wife and I'm very hands on.. I love it.. I love being outside, I love feeding the babies, I love milking, I love being with the animals.. I love the freedom of the farm.. the wind blowing on your face as you're riding the bike down the track, or the rain pissing down on your glasses so you cant see but you're wrapped up in a big wet weather jacket and all warm. When it snows and you're struggling to get cows out of paddocks.. when you put your arm in a cold trough to unscrew the ballarm.. its all brilliant and I'd do this any day .. BUT.. there is always one downside to everything.. and with dairy, I think that the downside is death.
I love the animals, and being a mum, I think I 'feel' too much when it comes to calving time.
The whole theory of taking a newborn baby off of its mum is TERRIBLE and I hate it. But knowing that this beautiful newborn baby is born as a bull, or wasnt a baby from a recorded bull, then they are going for slaughter. I spend 4 days with each calf, teaching this little one to suckle and drink, watching it get excited when I come near the calf sheds, hearing the calls.. watching their tails shake and wag with joy when they are feeding.. and after the 4 days is up, the truck comes.. the men get out and take my beautiful babies away for slaughter.
I'm welling up as I'm typing this.
This is so much harder this year. It was always on my bosses.. it was their calves, their calls.. on their heads. This time, even though we're employed, I know that I'm in charge of the calf pens, in charge of the calves, and basically, their lives lay with me. Why is it so bloody hard? Should I really be in love with such a lifestyle that is all built on something like this?
I cry for the first bobby pick up. This time its so much worse because I can feel it already.. I know what is coming. This isnt fair.. why do we have to go through this?

If that isnt disturbing enough.. did you know, that milk factories are now buying colostrum at huge prices.. so if you dont want to feed the unwanted calves good colostrum, you could sell your colostrum to the milk factory and just shoot the calf. We were told this today by a vet who seemed to advise it. I'm going to go broke as a farmer because my heart is in it too much.

I guess you really can hate something that you love so much.

Loss

I dont think that I used to wonder about 'loss' before. I think it was more of when someone said that they lost someone, then that person had died.. so I guessed there was only one way of losing someone - death. I've since discovered, that there are certainly more ways to losing someone.

After suffereing from post natal depression, I felt lost as a person, and I guess that my family lost me then.. thankfully I was found.
I'm about to lose my Dad. He isnt going to die, and isnt suffering a mental illness, but I'm going to lose him.
You see, my Dad is different than anyone that I know. He was brought up with his brothers, no sisters, and he suffered from something that protected him from his abusive father. He's seen a lot in his life.. he is in his 50s and has been separated from my mother for a couple of years now. He was always very happy in his own skin.. he was happy to buy the cheapest run down house in the street because it would save money.. he was happy to buy the cheapest car, the cheapest bike.. he even made me particular toys that I wanted when we couldnt afford the real thing. He didnt really know how to bond with his children, but since having grandchildren, its really brought him out. We all love my Dad. He is a genuine, down to earth, caring man who would bend over backwards for anyone in need. He has certainly helped my husband and I get to where we are today.
I appreciate him, and what he has done for us, and my children.
Now, dont get me wrong here, as I fully expected him to move on with life, and get a new partner, and possibly move in with them. In my mind, they moved in with him as our family home is quite nice and in a good location. However.. it hasnt worked that way.

I'm not sure if I created a blog about his girlfriend or not. I remember typing about it. Well.. they're moving in together.. well they're talking about it.. but it will happen. I think I said in my last blog that I'm not 'her' type of person. My dad is changing, she has changed his entire wardrobe, shoes.. his fricken haircut. She doesnt like my children.. she made that clear on that one day that we met her. She apparently doesnt like the cold so wont come and visit us here.. I think its just a ploy to block us out. Hello .. I exist and I'm not going away. My dad, has worked for everything he has (well my mum got him there but still..) and he is now going to sell everything that he has worked for... every .. single... thing. He was talking about selling his work truck, all of his tools, chainsaws, EVERY thing. This may not sound like a huge thing, but he is a serious hoarder. They have tv programmes about hoarders and I always used to worry that we'd be on it one day! He is even wanting to sell the house. He's been in the house for 13 years now, and is thinking of selling it.
I cant believe it. I'm gutted. I can see it all happening before me.
He'll sell it all.. live a good life for a while.. and when the money goes, she'll throw Dad away with nothing. Why would she want to change a man so much? He is the opposite person that he used to be. I think he was quite alright the way he was. Fair enough, good changes could have been made, but ... this is extreme.

What is one meant to do? He is very much into his new woman, and if anything negative is said about her, I'd hate to think of what would happen. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.. maybe I should see a psychic.

This sucks.

Okey dokey

Its been a while huh.

I've recently found out what 'busy' means.. damn.. I was in for a treat. Its crazy.. life can be crazy.
I have too many things to type about, so again, I'll jump all over the place.
First of all though .. guess who got a crash course in tractor driving with no instructor? ME !! My husband took his 4wd bike up to the cows over the weekend when it was just him working as the guys were having their days off.. and he got stuck.. only God knows why he attempted to go through the muddy slush mess that he got stuck in. Anyway, the 2 month old tractor was sitting in the shed with the forks on the ground.. for someone who had never started a tractor before, especially one with forks on it, had to get in, drive it 5km up the road (its 100km zone and the tractor goes a maximum of 40km), and pull my husband out of the mud in the middle of a paddock. Oh man. That was an experience.. its like driving over a bridge.. really uncomfortable but you have no choice.. if you want to get to where you're going, you just have to do it!! I figured it out alright and I feel actually did quite well. It would have been far better if I had figured out how to use the radio though!!

Right.. I'm fat. Well, not so much, but I am rather plump. I've had 4 kids, give me a break. I carry the weight around my belly and feel completely and utterly unattractive. I'm very self consious about it and rather uncomfortable.. but at the end of the day, I dont have the time or energy to exercise. I cant run like I used to, hell I cant even walk like I used to. I know its something that you have to build up to, but still.. I'm so unfit that its unbelievable.
I hate feeling fat. I just wish I could shrink without having to work at it.

Have you ever got that feeling when you walk into a room and everyone was just talking about you, and you get this eery silence that is awkward and uncomfortable?? Well I can officially say that I have now had that feeling. We had my mums birthday recently which was a quiet family dinner at my aunts house. I love my family, they're all really great people.. but I dont understand certain aspects of it. Maybe I've changed? Maybe its not them.. I dont know.. I dont get it. I just felt really on the outside.. my husband felt it aswell. I would never tell my aunt though as she goes out of her way to make people feel welcome. I think my children were well behaved, so I know it wasnt that.. it was just weird. Maybe things change when you're away for so long. I havent lived near them in a long time. I'm also so different. No one else there had any children, none of them work or live on farms, and they are all into the same things. I dont think I fit in anywhere in our family anymore.. its a bit odd to feel that way. Oh well.. instead of a black sheep, I think I'll go with being a fresian cow instead of a jersey LOL

My girls are good, they've settled into their school really well and we're really having a lot of fun these school holidays. I tried teaching my 2 oldest, how to play knucklebones.. they cant catch them on the back of their hand yet but they'll get there.. maybe I'll try elastics next.

Oh well .. I should really go and rest. I have my first ear infection and I should sleep while I can.
I might start writing more.. I'll have to try at least !

Isnt life funny

There are too many wonders, and too many things and questions running around in my head thismorning so I'll be jumping all over the place.

When do you stop and realise that you're doing okay with life? When do you put yourself on that list of 'I have what I want' without feeling like its a luxery? When do luxeries become every day living?

With the petrol increases that happen almost weekly, which hikes up the prices of everything else, so many people are struggling. They struggle financially to put food on the table for their kids, to pay their power bills to keep their family warm at night, to pay for the telephone bill, to get to work, car maintenance, and health, medical and life insurances.
I read a lot on message boards about how other people live, and the troubles they go through.
With my partners job, we dont have to currently worry about getting to work as we live on-site. We dont have to worry about rent as that comes with the job. We've been like this for about 6 years now. Its meant that we dont have to fill the car with $40 worth of petrol each week (rising to now $80), and we havent had to pay the $250 (rising to now $380) a week rent. Its enabled us to get into habit of a good lifestyle. We have sky tv, broadband, nice furniture, and we are able to do a lot of things without too much of a worry.

I read on the various message boards that families who are older than me, would never have sky as they cant afford it, basic things need maintaining and they cant do it, or they have no personal insurances except for basic car and contents insurances.
I think it hit me thismorning when a friend of mine was talking about 'having the life' as she was able to sit in her reclining chair with her laptop and watch sky tv. Obviously its a luxery to her. I dont know how I got to where I am. I dont know how I got to thinking that having what I have is normal.
We didnt have a lot when growing up - my parents tried, and we had enough.. but we were certainly not wealthy, or anywhere near it. We werent even in middle class I dont think. Lower/working suits.

I have a friend online who travels frequently, and not just around this country, she travels the world.. she'll go to at least 3 or 4 countries a year. Thats normal for her. She is a bit different though, she is fully aware that she is in such a good position. Except when it comes to grocery shopping as she cant bring her bill down because she refuses to give up her 'normal' food, which others would call luxeries.

I guess its all relevant, but its also a bit scary. The fact that you can change so much and not even realise.

Wisdom and patience

Wisdom and patience both seem to come with age.

I think its quite funny how middle aged people hurry a lot.. they are in such a rush to get everything done all at once and seem to thrive on stress, as if the world is going to crumble tomorrow. Whereas elder people dont rush, they always take the time to not just smell the roses, but to compare them, take photos of them, talk about them and take cuttings for their own personal gardens.

Shouldnt it be a role reversal? Younger and presumably going to live longer, to have time to do everything, yet living life so full of stress.
Grandparents can be such amazing people. I love going shopping and seeing grandparents out with their grandchildren.
They dont rush around the supermarket with a list trying to get it done in the smallest amount of time possible. They gradually go from isle to isle, answering any questions about the products on the shelves, and giving full and well explained answers. Children are often incredibly well behaved for their grandparents, and I think its because of the time invested into them that the grandparents give.

Older people are wiser like that too. They know these sorts of things, they know what is important and have their priorities set well.
I think I'm quite jealous in a way, that they are so content with taking it easy, and appear to have little to no stress.

Grandparents can be such beautiful people.

Freight trains

I never really understood the comparison of 'living' to that of a speeding or crashed freight train.
About 3 weeks ago, maybe 4, life started speeding up - I feel like I'm on that speeding freight train that is about to crash.. the train doesnt slow down, you have no control of where its going. There are lines of which is stays on, but you have NO control of how fast it goes on those lines and you have no idea whether it will actually stay on them. Its basically a waiting game to see if you make it through the stations.

So far, so good. But far out - when will it ease? People have so many life changing things, so many 'once in a lifetime things'.. normally they're spread out. Ours are not. I'm pretty well known for biting off more than I can chew, thats just me... but I think that for once, the things are just too major.

Within 2 months (we are currently in the 5th week, so 3 to go).. we bought 2 puppies (so thats a huge new part of our family that will be with us for years), we had professional photos taken which cost thousands, we started a company to become self employed, we are moving house - not just house, but districts, so we're to move about 3 or 4 hours away. Within that, we are meant to be out of our house early in order for them to lay carpet for the new people, which move in on May 31st. We need to be out early but we cant as my Dad is moving us and he got angry when I said there could be changes. We have already asked the boss of the new place if we can move early - due to the carpet, but even if he says yes and that we're needed there, we cant go because of my Dad. So who are we to disappoint? My dad, or the future employer? We wont even be disappointing my Dad, we'll just be making him angry and being made to feel like shit.
Within the moving thing, we have my Dads new girlfriend offering to help - fucking great. As if her judging us in my dining room wasnt enough, she gets to see everything we own and literally see *everything* .
Moving house is such a stressful thing for anyone, but for me .. everything is on me, the truck, my Dad, the new boss, the cleaners, the current boss who owns this house, my Dads new girlfriend, trying to organise school for the girls and the school change over, the pets, how'll they'll travel, how we'll get 4 vehicles over there with only 3 drivers - for fucks sake.. **breathes**
Not only that, but I have to pack the entire house myself in between the normal household duties, while juggling 4 children.
All that aside.. we have a lot to do with our 'business'. We have GST to do, I have to sort out the bank account and get payments set up - I have to set up internet banking, get my shit together for the accountant. I said at the very beginning of all of this, that I had enough to do without worrying about the 'office side of things'.. My husband said that I neednt worry as he would do it all and I wouldnt have to do ANYTHING. What a bloody reversal. I dont think he could be interested any LESS. He just wants to get there and WORK.. he is a worker, not a business owner.
I DID take on my taxation unit in order to get my Diploma in Agribusiness on top of all of this.. but its about the only thing that I do for *me*. Its MY time. Its for me. Although even in doing it, I'm under a lot of pressure to get it done for our business.

Its raining. The weather is shitty and my washing wont get dry.

I havent been sleeping well lately .. I'm guessing due to stress. I've thought about going to the doctor for something, but I cant take anything because I'm breast feeding.

I dont want my train to crash.. I just want to know that its going to slow down - but I know for a fact it wont.. for about a good 18 months.

If someone happens to stumble into this and thinks 'take a break'.. how? Tell me how! With 4 children, only 2 of which go to school, so I'm responsible for 2 FULL time, plus my husband works crap days - 11 days of working before a day off. Get a babysitter? How many people can handle that many children? Split them up to different babysitters? That would make it so unaffordable. There are NO preschools around that have any vacancies for my 2 year old. I'm still breast feeding my baby. *sighs* there is no end in sight for me.

I'm tired.

Eating cats and dogs

This has been on my mind over the last day or so. The question is, who is right?

I was brought up in a country where the main meats to consume were, beef, sheep, pigs and chicken. With the occasional venison (deer) in the corner alongside the hare and goat. In the deep supermarket freezer, you could also find turkey, duck and a few other birds. Of course fish was readily available.

We dont have snakes, raccoons, tigers, bears, squirrels, hamsters, crocodiles, moose, elephants, rhinos etc roaming free. These animals are in zoos. The *normal* family pets were/are cats and dogs.. people would also keep rats, mice, birds and guinea pigs. People on farms and lifestyle blocks would also keep horses - to ride, not to eat. Alpacas are a nice animal to keep aswell but for the wool and for the sake of having them, again, not to eat.

So when it comes to the likes of China (I'm not sure is any other countries eat them), who eat dogs and cats regularly.. are they right in doing so? To me, no, they're not as they're eating animals that are meant to be family pets. To them, they are doing what they've done for hundreds of years. It isnt just one person, its an entire nation. They were obviously brought up thinking that this is right. Just because I was brought up differently, does it mean that its actually wrong?

I think it may even be treated as a festival which happens at certain times of the year.

I have been somewhat disgusted for years over knowing that they eat these animals.. the animals that I class as a huge part of a family. I first found out about the shock treatment a few years ago and I know they use them on Saint Bernards. I absolutely love St Bernard dogs. The big goobiness of them drooling everywhere.. they're gorgeous beasts who are lovely family dogs. Over here, they cost so much money - if you want a puppy, it will cost you about $1800.

Clearly, there ARE things which people have done for generations which ARE wrong and need to be stopped, but who draws the line with the animals consumption lists? I think its the Muslim (?) that dont eat beef, and treat cows as if they're trophys. I guess I would be the 'Chinaman' in this situation as I eat beef on a very regular basis.

I guess there are always 2 sides to every story and I actually never thought that I would ever get to the point of understanding that in this kind of case. I hope that doesnt mean that I'm getting old.

Societys Rankings

Who decides who is who? Who decides what class, people slot into? Is it that everyone estimates their own class, and judges everyone else against that? Or is it that people judge by the way that other people portray themselves?

Is 'class' sorted by money, or by personality and community appearance? Is class the literal sense of how 'classy' someone is? Is it how much money they are worth, followed by classiness or vice versa?

What class are you in? What class would you say I'm in?
I personally think that I'm middle class. I'm not stinking rich, and I fart when I need to - bet you didnt see that coming! I use slang, and real words. I dont talk snotty and I try not to look down on people. I dont understand other peoples decisions but I try not to bag anyone for it. I congratulate people on good things. I dont go out for meals, I dont go to charity events, I dont drive a bmw or mercedes. I'm simply not a snob. I'm also not in the lower class spectrum, as I dont do drugs, drink alcohol, become homeless.. we're tidily dressed, own vehicles and we bring in a fair bit of money.. enough for a good lifestyle.
I'm a real person and consider myself 'down to earth', with enough money accessable. Hence me placing myself where I am.

We had a visitor today who really put me 'in my place'. I dont think it was meant to be like that, as this person was just being herself. She clearly had a lot of money behind her, was older, and incredibly well presented. It was obvious that we were not from the same socio economic circles. It was rather uncomfortable. WHAT made her like that though, was it her money or HER being her?

Take Britney Spears for example - this is not a dig at her, as I enjoy her music and she has my upmost sympathy. She has gone through absolute hell with the world all watching. She needs a break, she needs to hide away where no one is watching and get herself together. I hope she gets this. But as I was saying, she is worth millions, which puts her automatically into the upper class status catergory. But during her breakdown period, she wasnt exactly the most classiest person around, with the partying in raging clubs, going out with no underwear, shaving her head etc.. that wouldnt normally be 'accepted' as a high class person.

I personally know of someone who thinks of themself as high class, where she has literally no money, and lives day to day relying on sales (small ones) as income. But she still portrays herself as well off, and tells people that she is a well respected person in the community, and is 'up there' with the millionaires in her region. This is not the case at all. Is she actually a high class person because of where she puts herself? Or would this just be classed as dillusional? (please excuse the pun! lol)

I think that no matter how much we earn in a lifetime, I think we'll always be middle class simply because of our personality.

Childrens laughter

Having 4 children, I think I've managed to cover most bases as each of them are so different by their personality.

When it comes to laughter, I have covered the a) squealy girls giggle, b) howly, loud chuckle, c) cute little girls giggle, and d) the grunty, growly belly chuckle.

There is something wrong if you cant get at least one great laugh out of your children at least once per day. It is the most satisfying noise that any parent can hear.
There are so many ways of making children laugh, but its such a great, selfless thing to do.

My 2 oldest children, are 5 and 6 years old. Their favourite thing to do with me is to play on the trampoline (it is a large round one with safety nets). The laughs and giggles are amazing. They just dont stop. I am a lot taller than both of them, and can jump a lot higher. When I have my arms up high and jump the width of the trampoline yelling crazy noises at them, the laughter is undescribable.

We are a very loud family. My girls are very loud, which I think is great as they're also confident. We're lucky that we live in the country and dont have many surrounding neighbours - the ones we do have are very understanding. My children thoroughly enjoy riding their motorbikes, which are obviously childrens sizes. They thought it was the funniest thing when their Mum was riding them, in an incredibly squashed fashion!! If someone pulled up the driveway, all they would see is a crazy woman on a motorbike way too small for her, being chased by a child with a motorbike helmet on, and they'd hear nothing but hysterical laughter.

I think the 'funniest' part about the entire motorbike riding fiasco is the fact that I had jump off right before Miss 5 hit a small ditch as she rides far too fast for me.

Mental Illnesses

I wonder if there are people who never suffer from mental illness. Surely everyone at some stage of their lives have troubles in life that they cant or dont want to deal with. Maybe they dont come under mental illness and more like 'unable to handle situations'. What point does it become an illness?

I've written a snippet about my post natal depression in a previous blog, but I want to elaborate slightly after an incident a couple of days ago. I never understood depression at all. I didnt understand post natal depression or 'normal' depression. We have a very good family friend who means a lot to us and my family, who is suffering from depression. He has suffered a long time with it and its his never ending battle. He is a lot more open about things than I could ever be, but he has done a lot crying for help. I think that people are getting to the stage of tiredness of it. I think that its because of lack of understanding.

Depression isnt a choice. I used to think that people could just get over it, and that they need to think positively, surround themselves with positive things and then it will just 'go away'. No matter how good your life is, or how many things you've got going for you there are, depression isnt about that.. its like an outer body experience. Its honestly as if you are being taken over by a greater being where you have no choice of what you are doing or what is happening. I can feel it happening. Its quite an anxious feeling where you dont know where to go or what to do. You go through the motions of living without any feeling. You know what needs to be done and you do it, but you dont realise that the things will be done.. so you stress. It can be quite shaky. You can not control it. Its as if you are 2 people in one and you only have control 40% of yourself. I can understand why mothers commit suicide after having their babies. Its as if there is no end and they're not worthy of what they've got. They ARE worthy though. Good people go through terrible things.

2 days ago, I got into a bit of a state. No one knew, but I did. I could feel it. It was taking over. I got into an argument with my partner and wanted to leave. I didnt want to go through what I went through before, so this time I actually rang him and told him where I was going. I had a day out with the girls, spent some money which felt great! and carried on. I went to the supermarket that evening though and it was the same.. I could see myself just sitting in the middle of the isle crying. Thats ALL I wanted to do. My eyes were filled with tears and I just wanted to sit down and cry. Maybe I was winning 60/40 as I didnt actually sit down. I think that is one of those moments that could really change everything.

The thing about this is, I know what to do. I know that I can ring the mental health people and talk to them, I know I'm meant to talk to my partner.. I know there are resources out there, BUT if anyone DID in fact know, then they would put me back onto medication. I dont want medication, I dont want the weekly phone call checks. I want to be me, and I want to live.

I actually wonder if its bought on by stress. I have a lot going on at the moment and things dont seem to be slowing down. There is always something to worry about.. I think that I will be free of stress in July 2009. There is too much happening in between those times.

I am hoping that stress is the cause of my mental pictures. Its not a dream, as I'm awake but every night before I go to sleep.. my head hits the pillow and I close my eyes .. and the very first thing that I *see* is I'm under water looking up. I can see the sunlight but I cant make it to the top of the surface. For some reason, I never make it to the surface. I've had this 'vision' for months now. I try not to think about it, but I just dont 'get it'.

I want a chicken farm

Right he ho.

Dr Phil says that the difference between a dream and a goal is a timeline. Well I dont have a timeline for my chicken farm. It is purely a dream that I will never be able to do. If I cant sleep at night (as I've been having trouble lately), I think about my chicken farm. There are a number of reasons why I want to farm chickens. I'll explain.
People take advantage of their stupidity. They cant fight back. I loathe the thought of buying battery hen eggs but thats pretty much the main market unless you want to pay double the price! As far as I'm aware, the eggs that I generally do buy are from a battery farm. I've seen them on tv a couple of times - only a couple but the images are burned into my memory.
Poor defenseless chickens caged unable to do anything, except eat what they're given, cluck, and lay eggs. That is no life.

I want to be a hero one day. I cant fly, I have no super powers, I cant stand the sight of blood so I'm no good in a hospital - maybe my being on this earth is to be a hero to chickens.
I dream of buying a battery hen farm, and the land next to it..(in my dream, the barn that they're in is surrounded by land used for cropping). I want to open the doors, let the sun shine in and let the chickens run outside.

I fear that they wont be able to run, therefore making my entire plan fail.. but I want them to run free. I dont think there would much of a better feeling than seeing the chickens run free for the first time breaking a tradition of torture.
I have a bit of an idea as to why they dont do this currently. I think its all down to money. If it was a viable business option to use MORE space and make more money, then I'm sure they would.. but currently I guess they make enough money and use little space squashing them up.

I would be thinking outside the square. Maybe there are ways of cutting costs to enable the income to remain high. What if the feeding bill came down? Rather than feeding grain after grain after grain.. (which is increasing anyway as they can now make biofuel with it, and there are more buyers for intensive farming eg dairy), then why not let the local community support your business? People *could* use worm farms but many dont. What would happen if I, as a business owner, handed out buckets for food scraps, kind of like the council containers that people sort their paper and plastics into.. and sent round a vehicle (hybrid) to pick up these scraps at a set time. People may not like this idea but there could be insentives, such as, per kg of food scrap given could go toward a voucher of eggs.

I also plan to change the roof and use skylights to decrease the lighting bill of the barn where they will be laying their free range eggs. My Grandad used to have a chicken coop and had a couple of rows of wooden boxes filled with fresh straw. I'd do the same.

I would also attach a water heating system which would work by solar power. I have thought about setting it up specifically so its only heated to a small amount - just enough to provide enough warmth over winter so it could be trickled into the lengthy thin troughs.

Chickens dont make good companions, they have an annoying 'bock'. They arent cuddly, and despite what most little girls think.. they dont like being dressed up in clothing. I am aware of all of this, and all I want to do is save the chickens.

Sometimes its a pity I'm a dairy farmers wife.

Unfortunately - death

Still same ole' same ole'.
Daughters number 1 and 2 are at school, daughter number 4 is asleep and daughter number 3 is entertaining herself with her wardrobe. The housework is done for the day.. so all of this gives me time to think **sighs**.. its an odd feeling when you have had time to do that for a while.

A friend of a friend died over the weekend and the funeral is today. I was meant to be watching her children for her but she was worried that the funeral would take too long. I dont mind either way.
Death though. The girl that died was only 15. Thats not fair. Where is the life? Why? I dont understand why children and teenagers have to deal with such things thrust upon them? It wasnt suicide.. it wasnt a choice. Her life was taken by a brain tumor. Why is it that some have it so easy and others have it harder than you could ever imagine?
I feel in the middle of these 2 things. I feel that I'm incredibly lucky to have what I have and am *waiting* for something to go wrong. Its hard.

When I was 17, one of the most popular girls in school killed herself. I have never understood it, nor forgotten. I felt so guilty that I had just brought a life into the world and she had taken hers out. She was such a beautiful person. She was nice to everyone, she was very pretty, she had a job, a car, so many friends, she was very bright and could have gone so far, and done anything .. she had more options than most people. I dont understand. I dont think many people can. I can understand the feeling of wanting to take yourself out as I've been there, twice in fact.. but I'm still here.

When I was 18, another one killed herself. That one was a tough one as she was the best friend of one of my best friends. My best friend is an incredibly strong person and handled it as well as anyone could but it was heartbreaking.. it took her a long time. Suicide is such a difficult subject. I dont think that anyone realises how much they mean to people.

Also when I was 18, a girl from our year was in a car accident, and died at the scene. All of these girls were popular and seemed to make like work for them.. all happy, had friends, support etc.

I got post natal depression after I had my 4th child. I'd never had it before and didnt really understand it. It was as if my body and my mind were not 'together'. I was just going through the notions of living rather than actually living. I lost control of my children, my marriage, my house.. I lost everything really. I could feel myself starting to lose it.. it was as if I was shaking.. it was like a sudden burst that needed to escape. It was an incredibly odd feeling and not one that I want to repeat. I was certainly not me at all. I felt that the only way to get a break from everything was to take myself out of it. I had it planned on what to do and when to do it. There were 2 things at the time that stopped me.
The first thing was Gavin. He was at work when I wanted to.. I could not imagine him coming home and finding me there like that. He would have been devastated and it would've ruined him. He would have had to deal with work, the house (which was in a right awful state) and the children. It wasnt fair. I loved him too much to hurt him.
The second thing (which should be the 1st thing), is my girls. I didnt want them going to school and being known as the kids whose mother killed herself. I didnt want them teased for it or have them think that I didnt love them. I wasnt worried about the care of them as I know that Gavin could if he had to, and my Mum would aswell.

I left that day anyway. I was desparate, and asked on a public messageboard that I used to a part of, what the hell was wrong with me, and how I could stop crying. They all told me to talk to my doctor or my midwife which was fine. Gavin came home, found me crying and someone alerted a friend of mine that I needed help. She came to help me but I didnt want her here. I wanted to be left alone to deal with things but she didnt understand that. I packed what I could grab and just drove. I ended up at my mums house 5 hours away. Gavin was scared as he didnt know what was going on or what was happening. He came to my mums when he found out though. I needed help but I needed space.
The friend that came to help me, was genuinely worried at the time. She didnt understand what I was going through, what having 4 children with a husband who worked all the time was like. She didnt understand that I needed time to get myself together. Fair enough as a friend she could have been involved, but this was a major time in my life and I just needed space.
It turned very nasty, very fast. Which is actually one of the worst things to have happened. It all started when daughter number 4 was 2 weeks old. She is now 6 months old. In that time, too much has happened and I really didnt get to have a 'baby' for long because I was a mess. I didnt even want to leave the house because I was scared of seeing my old friend.

The whole thing could have been avoided if I had just been given space to become ME again in the first place. It all got dragged out, and played out on the public messageboard that I was a part of. I was so angry, and so bitter, for a long time about it all. She blames for everything and tried to ruin things for me. She threatened to ring Gavins bosses, my friends.. she wanted to hurt me in every way she could. I dont think that she realised that she had already so it didnt really matter.

Today though, its a different story. About a month ago, I did a big blow out thread on the messageboard, swearing and telling her what I thought.. I didnt sleep much that night. I felt so low about how far I'd gone. She was once a great friend and all I wanted to do was hurt her. I'm not that sort of person. I emailed her.. I got the response I expected, but at least I know that its off my shoulders. I apologised for the thread, explained a few things.. she doesnt understand. I doubt she ever will which is rather sad.

That has been a rather big part of my life over the last 6 months. She was my best friend and the loss of that friendship was displayed so publicly and humiliating for both of us.

I'm not bitter anymore though. I'm not angry. I'm just calm and happy with where my life currently is.

OMG I'm so bored

Well this is my first blog on here.
I'm bored, hence my blogging! Not that I have nothing to do.. trust me, I have plenty to do. We are moving house (districts) soon, so I *could* be packing.. I'm also studying to get a diploma and so I *could* be studying right now.. but blurgh.. I cant be bothered.

I have 4 children, and will not be having any more. I'm too young to have 4 children (obviously not but you get the point).

What do people do when they are stuck in a bored rut?
I guess thats when people start thinking too deeply and understanding the world at a different level. Where you start wondering how many particles there are of wax in the average candle.. if vegetables boast each other on to grow faster etc.
I dont usually wonder about those things, I usually wonder about the world and what everyone else is doing at this very particular moment?
I can't get out to see the world because of my responsibilities here as a wife, and as a mother. Which is fine, I love my family very much and wouldn't change them for anything. I'm incredibly blessed and so, so lucky to be where I am.. especially at my age as many people go right through life without having half of what I've got.. but it doesnt make me stop thinking about the world and what is happening around it. There are SO many different ways of life, so many choices, so many questions. I wont get to see a lot of the world in my lifetime, so I use the internet and good ole' google to see what I want to see. The differences in countries are amazing. I have so many questions, but I think that I offend people when I ask - maybe I'm too 'out there'.. maybe I think too much.. **sighs**

Oh well. Maybe someone somewhere will help me answer my questions one day