This has been on my mind over the last day or so. The question is, who is right?
I was brought up in a country where the main meats to consume were, beef, sheep, pigs and chicken. With the occasional venison (deer) in the corner alongside the hare and goat. In the deep supermarket freezer, you could also find turkey, duck and a few other birds. Of course fish was readily available.
We dont have snakes, raccoons, tigers, bears, squirrels, hamsters, crocodiles, moose, elephants, rhinos etc roaming free. These animals are in zoos. The *normal* family pets were/are cats and dogs.. people would also keep rats, mice, birds and guinea pigs. People on farms and lifestyle blocks would also keep horses - to ride, not to eat. Alpacas are a nice animal to keep aswell but for the wool and for the sake of having them, again, not to eat.
So when it comes to the likes of China (I'm not sure is any other countries eat them), who eat dogs and cats regularly.. are they right in doing so? To me, no, they're not as they're eating animals that are meant to be family pets. To them, they are doing what they've done for hundreds of years. It isnt just one person, its an entire nation. They were obviously brought up thinking that this is right. Just because I was brought up differently, does it mean that its actually wrong?
I think it may even be treated as a festival which happens at certain times of the year.
I have been somewhat disgusted for years over knowing that they eat these animals.. the animals that I class as a huge part of a family. I first found out about the shock treatment a few years ago and I know they use them on Saint Bernards. I absolutely love St Bernard dogs. The big goobiness of them drooling everywhere.. they're gorgeous beasts who are lovely family dogs. Over here, they cost so much money - if you want a puppy, it will cost you about $1800.
Clearly, there ARE things which people have done for generations which ARE wrong and need to be stopped, but who draws the line with the animals consumption lists? I think its the Muslim (?) that dont eat beef, and treat cows as if they're trophys. I guess I would be the 'Chinaman' in this situation as I eat beef on a very regular basis.
I guess there are always 2 sides to every story and I actually never thought that I would ever get to the point of understanding that in this kind of case. I hope that doesnt mean that I'm getting old.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Societys Rankings
Who decides who is who? Who decides what class, people slot into? Is it that everyone estimates their own class, and judges everyone else against that? Or is it that people judge by the way that other people portray themselves?
Is 'class' sorted by money, or by personality and community appearance? Is class the literal sense of how 'classy' someone is? Is it how much money they are worth, followed by classiness or vice versa?
What class are you in? What class would you say I'm in?
I personally think that I'm middle class. I'm not stinking rich, and I fart when I need to - bet you didnt see that coming! I use slang, and real words. I dont talk snotty and I try not to look down on people. I dont understand other peoples decisions but I try not to bag anyone for it. I congratulate people on good things. I dont go out for meals, I dont go to charity events, I dont drive a bmw or mercedes. I'm simply not a snob. I'm also not in the lower class spectrum, as I dont do drugs, drink alcohol, become homeless.. we're tidily dressed, own vehicles and we bring in a fair bit of money.. enough for a good lifestyle.
I'm a real person and consider myself 'down to earth', with enough money accessable. Hence me placing myself where I am.
We had a visitor today who really put me 'in my place'. I dont think it was meant to be like that, as this person was just being herself. She clearly had a lot of money behind her, was older, and incredibly well presented. It was obvious that we were not from the same socio economic circles. It was rather uncomfortable. WHAT made her like that though, was it her money or HER being her?
Take Britney Spears for example - this is not a dig at her, as I enjoy her music and she has my upmost sympathy. She has gone through absolute hell with the world all watching. She needs a break, she needs to hide away where no one is watching and get herself together. I hope she gets this. But as I was saying, she is worth millions, which puts her automatically into the upper class status catergory. But during her breakdown period, she wasnt exactly the most classiest person around, with the partying in raging clubs, going out with no underwear, shaving her head etc.. that wouldnt normally be 'accepted' as a high class person.
I personally know of someone who thinks of themself as high class, where she has literally no money, and lives day to day relying on sales (small ones) as income. But she still portrays herself as well off, and tells people that she is a well respected person in the community, and is 'up there' with the millionaires in her region. This is not the case at all. Is she actually a high class person because of where she puts herself? Or would this just be classed as dillusional? (please excuse the pun! lol)
I think that no matter how much we earn in a lifetime, I think we'll always be middle class simply because of our personality.
Is 'class' sorted by money, or by personality and community appearance? Is class the literal sense of how 'classy' someone is? Is it how much money they are worth, followed by classiness or vice versa?
What class are you in? What class would you say I'm in?
I personally think that I'm middle class. I'm not stinking rich, and I fart when I need to - bet you didnt see that coming! I use slang, and real words. I dont talk snotty and I try not to look down on people. I dont understand other peoples decisions but I try not to bag anyone for it. I congratulate people on good things. I dont go out for meals, I dont go to charity events, I dont drive a bmw or mercedes. I'm simply not a snob. I'm also not in the lower class spectrum, as I dont do drugs, drink alcohol, become homeless.. we're tidily dressed, own vehicles and we bring in a fair bit of money.. enough for a good lifestyle.
I'm a real person and consider myself 'down to earth', with enough money accessable. Hence me placing myself where I am.
We had a visitor today who really put me 'in my place'. I dont think it was meant to be like that, as this person was just being herself. She clearly had a lot of money behind her, was older, and incredibly well presented. It was obvious that we were not from the same socio economic circles. It was rather uncomfortable. WHAT made her like that though, was it her money or HER being her?
Take Britney Spears for example - this is not a dig at her, as I enjoy her music and she has my upmost sympathy. She has gone through absolute hell with the world all watching. She needs a break, she needs to hide away where no one is watching and get herself together. I hope she gets this. But as I was saying, she is worth millions, which puts her automatically into the upper class status catergory. But during her breakdown period, she wasnt exactly the most classiest person around, with the partying in raging clubs, going out with no underwear, shaving her head etc.. that wouldnt normally be 'accepted' as a high class person.
I personally know of someone who thinks of themself as high class, where she has literally no money, and lives day to day relying on sales (small ones) as income. But she still portrays herself as well off, and tells people that she is a well respected person in the community, and is 'up there' with the millionaires in her region. This is not the case at all. Is she actually a high class person because of where she puts herself? Or would this just be classed as dillusional? (please excuse the pun! lol)
I think that no matter how much we earn in a lifetime, I think we'll always be middle class simply because of our personality.
Friday, April 25, 2008
Childrens laughter
Having 4 children, I think I've managed to cover most bases as each of them are so different by their personality.
When it comes to laughter, I have covered the a) squealy girls giggle, b) howly, loud chuckle, c) cute little girls giggle, and d) the grunty, growly belly chuckle.
There is something wrong if you cant get at least one great laugh out of your children at least once per day. It is the most satisfying noise that any parent can hear.
There are so many ways of making children laugh, but its such a great, selfless thing to do.
My 2 oldest children, are 5 and 6 years old. Their favourite thing to do with me is to play on the trampoline (it is a large round one with safety nets). The laughs and giggles are amazing. They just dont stop. I am a lot taller than both of them, and can jump a lot higher. When I have my arms up high and jump the width of the trampoline yelling crazy noises at them, the laughter is undescribable.
We are a very loud family. My girls are very loud, which I think is great as they're also confident. We're lucky that we live in the country and dont have many surrounding neighbours - the ones we do have are very understanding. My children thoroughly enjoy riding their motorbikes, which are obviously childrens sizes. They thought it was the funniest thing when their Mum was riding them, in an incredibly squashed fashion!! If someone pulled up the driveway, all they would see is a crazy woman on a motorbike way too small for her, being chased by a child with a motorbike helmet on, and they'd hear nothing but hysterical laughter.
I think the 'funniest' part about the entire motorbike riding fiasco is the fact that I had jump off right before Miss 5 hit a small ditch as she rides far too fast for me.
When it comes to laughter, I have covered the a) squealy girls giggle, b) howly, loud chuckle, c) cute little girls giggle, and d) the grunty, growly belly chuckle.
There is something wrong if you cant get at least one great laugh out of your children at least once per day. It is the most satisfying noise that any parent can hear.
There are so many ways of making children laugh, but its such a great, selfless thing to do.
My 2 oldest children, are 5 and 6 years old. Their favourite thing to do with me is to play on the trampoline (it is a large round one with safety nets). The laughs and giggles are amazing. They just dont stop. I am a lot taller than both of them, and can jump a lot higher. When I have my arms up high and jump the width of the trampoline yelling crazy noises at them, the laughter is undescribable.
We are a very loud family. My girls are very loud, which I think is great as they're also confident. We're lucky that we live in the country and dont have many surrounding neighbours - the ones we do have are very understanding. My children thoroughly enjoy riding their motorbikes, which are obviously childrens sizes. They thought it was the funniest thing when their Mum was riding them, in an incredibly squashed fashion!! If someone pulled up the driveway, all they would see is a crazy woman on a motorbike way too small for her, being chased by a child with a motorbike helmet on, and they'd hear nothing but hysterical laughter.
I think the 'funniest' part about the entire motorbike riding fiasco is the fact that I had jump off right before Miss 5 hit a small ditch as she rides far too fast for me.
Mental Illnesses
I wonder if there are people who never suffer from mental illness. Surely everyone at some stage of their lives have troubles in life that they cant or dont want to deal with. Maybe they dont come under mental illness and more like 'unable to handle situations'. What point does it become an illness?
I've written a snippet about my post natal depression in a previous blog, but I want to elaborate slightly after an incident a couple of days ago. I never understood depression at all. I didnt understand post natal depression or 'normal' depression. We have a very good family friend who means a lot to us and my family, who is suffering from depression. He has suffered a long time with it and its his never ending battle. He is a lot more open about things than I could ever be, but he has done a lot crying for help. I think that people are getting to the stage of tiredness of it. I think that its because of lack of understanding.
Depression isnt a choice. I used to think that people could just get over it, and that they need to think positively, surround themselves with positive things and then it will just 'go away'. No matter how good your life is, or how many things you've got going for you there are, depression isnt about that.. its like an outer body experience. Its honestly as if you are being taken over by a greater being where you have no choice of what you are doing or what is happening. I can feel it happening. Its quite an anxious feeling where you dont know where to go or what to do. You go through the motions of living without any feeling. You know what needs to be done and you do it, but you dont realise that the things will be done.. so you stress. It can be quite shaky. You can not control it. Its as if you are 2 people in one and you only have control 40% of yourself. I can understand why mothers commit suicide after having their babies. Its as if there is no end and they're not worthy of what they've got. They ARE worthy though. Good people go through terrible things.
2 days ago, I got into a bit of a state. No one knew, but I did. I could feel it. It was taking over. I got into an argument with my partner and wanted to leave. I didnt want to go through what I went through before, so this time I actually rang him and told him where I was going. I had a day out with the girls, spent some money which felt great! and carried on. I went to the supermarket that evening though and it was the same.. I could see myself just sitting in the middle of the isle crying. Thats ALL I wanted to do. My eyes were filled with tears and I just wanted to sit down and cry. Maybe I was winning 60/40 as I didnt actually sit down. I think that is one of those moments that could really change everything.
The thing about this is, I know what to do. I know that I can ring the mental health people and talk to them, I know I'm meant to talk to my partner.. I know there are resources out there, BUT if anyone DID in fact know, then they would put me back onto medication. I dont want medication, I dont want the weekly phone call checks. I want to be me, and I want to live.
I actually wonder if its bought on by stress. I have a lot going on at the moment and things dont seem to be slowing down. There is always something to worry about.. I think that I will be free of stress in July 2009. There is too much happening in between those times.
I am hoping that stress is the cause of my mental pictures. Its not a dream, as I'm awake but every night before I go to sleep.. my head hits the pillow and I close my eyes .. and the very first thing that I *see* is I'm under water looking up. I can see the sunlight but I cant make it to the top of the surface. For some reason, I never make it to the surface. I've had this 'vision' for months now. I try not to think about it, but I just dont 'get it'.
I've written a snippet about my post natal depression in a previous blog, but I want to elaborate slightly after an incident a couple of days ago. I never understood depression at all. I didnt understand post natal depression or 'normal' depression. We have a very good family friend who means a lot to us and my family, who is suffering from depression. He has suffered a long time with it and its his never ending battle. He is a lot more open about things than I could ever be, but he has done a lot crying for help. I think that people are getting to the stage of tiredness of it. I think that its because of lack of understanding.
Depression isnt a choice. I used to think that people could just get over it, and that they need to think positively, surround themselves with positive things and then it will just 'go away'. No matter how good your life is, or how many things you've got going for you there are, depression isnt about that.. its like an outer body experience. Its honestly as if you are being taken over by a greater being where you have no choice of what you are doing or what is happening. I can feel it happening. Its quite an anxious feeling where you dont know where to go or what to do. You go through the motions of living without any feeling. You know what needs to be done and you do it, but you dont realise that the things will be done.. so you stress. It can be quite shaky. You can not control it. Its as if you are 2 people in one and you only have control 40% of yourself. I can understand why mothers commit suicide after having their babies. Its as if there is no end and they're not worthy of what they've got. They ARE worthy though. Good people go through terrible things.
2 days ago, I got into a bit of a state. No one knew, but I did. I could feel it. It was taking over. I got into an argument with my partner and wanted to leave. I didnt want to go through what I went through before, so this time I actually rang him and told him where I was going. I had a day out with the girls, spent some money which felt great! and carried on. I went to the supermarket that evening though and it was the same.. I could see myself just sitting in the middle of the isle crying. Thats ALL I wanted to do. My eyes were filled with tears and I just wanted to sit down and cry. Maybe I was winning 60/40 as I didnt actually sit down. I think that is one of those moments that could really change everything.
The thing about this is, I know what to do. I know that I can ring the mental health people and talk to them, I know I'm meant to talk to my partner.. I know there are resources out there, BUT if anyone DID in fact know, then they would put me back onto medication. I dont want medication, I dont want the weekly phone call checks. I want to be me, and I want to live.
I actually wonder if its bought on by stress. I have a lot going on at the moment and things dont seem to be slowing down. There is always something to worry about.. I think that I will be free of stress in July 2009. There is too much happening in between those times.
I am hoping that stress is the cause of my mental pictures. Its not a dream, as I'm awake but every night before I go to sleep.. my head hits the pillow and I close my eyes .. and the very first thing that I *see* is I'm under water looking up. I can see the sunlight but I cant make it to the top of the surface. For some reason, I never make it to the surface. I've had this 'vision' for months now. I try not to think about it, but I just dont 'get it'.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
I want a chicken farm
Right he ho.
Dr Phil says that the difference between a dream and a goal is a timeline. Well I dont have a timeline for my chicken farm. It is purely a dream that I will never be able to do. If I cant sleep at night (as I've been having trouble lately), I think about my chicken farm. There are a number of reasons why I want to farm chickens. I'll explain.
People take advantage of their stupidity. They cant fight back. I loathe the thought of buying battery hen eggs but thats pretty much the main market unless you want to pay double the price! As far as I'm aware, the eggs that I generally do buy are from a battery farm. I've seen them on tv a couple of times - only a couple but the images are burned into my memory.
Poor defenseless chickens caged unable to do anything, except eat what they're given, cluck, and lay eggs. That is no life.
I want to be a hero one day. I cant fly, I have no super powers, I cant stand the sight of blood so I'm no good in a hospital - maybe my being on this earth is to be a hero to chickens.
I dream of buying a battery hen farm, and the land next to it..(in my dream, the barn that they're in is surrounded by land used for cropping). I want to open the doors, let the sun shine in and let the chickens run outside.
I fear that they wont be able to run, therefore making my entire plan fail.. but I want them to run free. I dont think there would much of a better feeling than seeing the chickens run free for the first time breaking a tradition of torture.
I have a bit of an idea as to why they dont do this currently. I think its all down to money. If it was a viable business option to use MORE space and make more money, then I'm sure they would.. but currently I guess they make enough money and use little space squashing them up.
I would be thinking outside the square. Maybe there are ways of cutting costs to enable the income to remain high. What if the feeding bill came down? Rather than feeding grain after grain after grain.. (which is increasing anyway as they can now make biofuel with it, and there are more buyers for intensive farming eg dairy), then why not let the local community support your business? People *could* use worm farms but many dont. What would happen if I, as a business owner, handed out buckets for food scraps, kind of like the council containers that people sort their paper and plastics into.. and sent round a vehicle (hybrid) to pick up these scraps at a set time. People may not like this idea but there could be insentives, such as, per kg of food scrap given could go toward a voucher of eggs.
I also plan to change the roof and use skylights to decrease the lighting bill of the barn where they will be laying their free range eggs. My Grandad used to have a chicken coop and had a couple of rows of wooden boxes filled with fresh straw. I'd do the same.
I would also attach a water heating system which would work by solar power. I have thought about setting it up specifically so its only heated to a small amount - just enough to provide enough warmth over winter so it could be trickled into the lengthy thin troughs.
Chickens dont make good companions, they have an annoying 'bock'. They arent cuddly, and despite what most little girls think.. they dont like being dressed up in clothing. I am aware of all of this, and all I want to do is save the chickens.
Sometimes its a pity I'm a dairy farmers wife.
Dr Phil says that the difference between a dream and a goal is a timeline. Well I dont have a timeline for my chicken farm. It is purely a dream that I will never be able to do. If I cant sleep at night (as I've been having trouble lately), I think about my chicken farm. There are a number of reasons why I want to farm chickens. I'll explain.
People take advantage of their stupidity. They cant fight back. I loathe the thought of buying battery hen eggs but thats pretty much the main market unless you want to pay double the price! As far as I'm aware, the eggs that I generally do buy are from a battery farm. I've seen them on tv a couple of times - only a couple but the images are burned into my memory.
Poor defenseless chickens caged unable to do anything, except eat what they're given, cluck, and lay eggs. That is no life.
I want to be a hero one day. I cant fly, I have no super powers, I cant stand the sight of blood so I'm no good in a hospital - maybe my being on this earth is to be a hero to chickens.
I dream of buying a battery hen farm, and the land next to it..(in my dream, the barn that they're in is surrounded by land used for cropping). I want to open the doors, let the sun shine in and let the chickens run outside.
I fear that they wont be able to run, therefore making my entire plan fail.. but I want them to run free. I dont think there would much of a better feeling than seeing the chickens run free for the first time breaking a tradition of torture.
I have a bit of an idea as to why they dont do this currently. I think its all down to money. If it was a viable business option to use MORE space and make more money, then I'm sure they would.. but currently I guess they make enough money and use little space squashing them up.
I would be thinking outside the square. Maybe there are ways of cutting costs to enable the income to remain high. What if the feeding bill came down? Rather than feeding grain after grain after grain.. (which is increasing anyway as they can now make biofuel with it, and there are more buyers for intensive farming eg dairy), then why not let the local community support your business? People *could* use worm farms but many dont. What would happen if I, as a business owner, handed out buckets for food scraps, kind of like the council containers that people sort their paper and plastics into.. and sent round a vehicle (hybrid) to pick up these scraps at a set time. People may not like this idea but there could be insentives, such as, per kg of food scrap given could go toward a voucher of eggs.
I also plan to change the roof and use skylights to decrease the lighting bill of the barn where they will be laying their free range eggs. My Grandad used to have a chicken coop and had a couple of rows of wooden boxes filled with fresh straw. I'd do the same.
I would also attach a water heating system which would work by solar power. I have thought about setting it up specifically so its only heated to a small amount - just enough to provide enough warmth over winter so it could be trickled into the lengthy thin troughs.
Chickens dont make good companions, they have an annoying 'bock'. They arent cuddly, and despite what most little girls think.. they dont like being dressed up in clothing. I am aware of all of this, and all I want to do is save the chickens.
Sometimes its a pity I'm a dairy farmers wife.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Unfortunately - death
Still same ole' same ole'.
Daughters number 1 and 2 are at school, daughter number 4 is asleep and daughter number 3 is entertaining herself with her wardrobe. The housework is done for the day.. so all of this gives me time to think **sighs**.. its an odd feeling when you have had time to do that for a while.
A friend of a friend died over the weekend and the funeral is today. I was meant to be watching her children for her but she was worried that the funeral would take too long. I dont mind either way.
Death though. The girl that died was only 15. Thats not fair. Where is the life? Why? I dont understand why children and teenagers have to deal with such things thrust upon them? It wasnt suicide.. it wasnt a choice. Her life was taken by a brain tumor. Why is it that some have it so easy and others have it harder than you could ever imagine?
I feel in the middle of these 2 things. I feel that I'm incredibly lucky to have what I have and am *waiting* for something to go wrong. Its hard.
When I was 17, one of the most popular girls in school killed herself. I have never understood it, nor forgotten. I felt so guilty that I had just brought a life into the world and she had taken hers out. She was such a beautiful person. She was nice to everyone, she was very pretty, she had a job, a car, so many friends, she was very bright and could have gone so far, and done anything .. she had more options than most people. I dont understand. I dont think many people can. I can understand the feeling of wanting to take yourself out as I've been there, twice in fact.. but I'm still here.
When I was 18, another one killed herself. That one was a tough one as she was the best friend of one of my best friends. My best friend is an incredibly strong person and handled it as well as anyone could but it was heartbreaking.. it took her a long time. Suicide is such a difficult subject. I dont think that anyone realises how much they mean to people.
Also when I was 18, a girl from our year was in a car accident, and died at the scene. All of these girls were popular and seemed to make like work for them.. all happy, had friends, support etc.
I got post natal depression after I had my 4th child. I'd never had it before and didnt really understand it. It was as if my body and my mind were not 'together'. I was just going through the notions of living rather than actually living. I lost control of my children, my marriage, my house.. I lost everything really. I could feel myself starting to lose it.. it was as if I was shaking.. it was like a sudden burst that needed to escape. It was an incredibly odd feeling and not one that I want to repeat. I was certainly not me at all. I felt that the only way to get a break from everything was to take myself out of it. I had it planned on what to do and when to do it. There were 2 things at the time that stopped me.
The first thing was Gavin. He was at work when I wanted to.. I could not imagine him coming home and finding me there like that. He would have been devastated and it would've ruined him. He would have had to deal with work, the house (which was in a right awful state) and the children. It wasnt fair. I loved him too much to hurt him.
The second thing (which should be the 1st thing), is my girls. I didnt want them going to school and being known as the kids whose mother killed herself. I didnt want them teased for it or have them think that I didnt love them. I wasnt worried about the care of them as I know that Gavin could if he had to, and my Mum would aswell.
I left that day anyway. I was desparate, and asked on a public messageboard that I used to a part of, what the hell was wrong with me, and how I could stop crying. They all told me to talk to my doctor or my midwife which was fine. Gavin came home, found me crying and someone alerted a friend of mine that I needed help. She came to help me but I didnt want her here. I wanted to be left alone to deal with things but she didnt understand that. I packed what I could grab and just drove. I ended up at my mums house 5 hours away. Gavin was scared as he didnt know what was going on or what was happening. He came to my mums when he found out though. I needed help but I needed space.
The friend that came to help me, was genuinely worried at the time. She didnt understand what I was going through, what having 4 children with a husband who worked all the time was like. She didnt understand that I needed time to get myself together. Fair enough as a friend she could have been involved, but this was a major time in my life and I just needed space.
It turned very nasty, very fast. Which is actually one of the worst things to have happened. It all started when daughter number 4 was 2 weeks old. She is now 6 months old. In that time, too much has happened and I really didnt get to have a 'baby' for long because I was a mess. I didnt even want to leave the house because I was scared of seeing my old friend.
The whole thing could have been avoided if I had just been given space to become ME again in the first place. It all got dragged out, and played out on the public messageboard that I was a part of. I was so angry, and so bitter, for a long time about it all. She blames for everything and tried to ruin things for me. She threatened to ring Gavins bosses, my friends.. she wanted to hurt me in every way she could. I dont think that she realised that she had already so it didnt really matter.
Today though, its a different story. About a month ago, I did a big blow out thread on the messageboard, swearing and telling her what I thought.. I didnt sleep much that night. I felt so low about how far I'd gone. She was once a great friend and all I wanted to do was hurt her. I'm not that sort of person. I emailed her.. I got the response I expected, but at least I know that its off my shoulders. I apologised for the thread, explained a few things.. she doesnt understand. I doubt she ever will which is rather sad.
That has been a rather big part of my life over the last 6 months. She was my best friend and the loss of that friendship was displayed so publicly and humiliating for both of us.
I'm not bitter anymore though. I'm not angry. I'm just calm and happy with where my life currently is.
Daughters number 1 and 2 are at school, daughter number 4 is asleep and daughter number 3 is entertaining herself with her wardrobe. The housework is done for the day.. so all of this gives me time to think **sighs**.. its an odd feeling when you have had time to do that for a while.
A friend of a friend died over the weekend and the funeral is today. I was meant to be watching her children for her but she was worried that the funeral would take too long. I dont mind either way.
Death though. The girl that died was only 15. Thats not fair. Where is the life? Why? I dont understand why children and teenagers have to deal with such things thrust upon them? It wasnt suicide.. it wasnt a choice. Her life was taken by a brain tumor. Why is it that some have it so easy and others have it harder than you could ever imagine?
I feel in the middle of these 2 things. I feel that I'm incredibly lucky to have what I have and am *waiting* for something to go wrong. Its hard.
When I was 17, one of the most popular girls in school killed herself. I have never understood it, nor forgotten. I felt so guilty that I had just brought a life into the world and she had taken hers out. She was such a beautiful person. She was nice to everyone, she was very pretty, she had a job, a car, so many friends, she was very bright and could have gone so far, and done anything .. she had more options than most people. I dont understand. I dont think many people can. I can understand the feeling of wanting to take yourself out as I've been there, twice in fact.. but I'm still here.
When I was 18, another one killed herself. That one was a tough one as she was the best friend of one of my best friends. My best friend is an incredibly strong person and handled it as well as anyone could but it was heartbreaking.. it took her a long time. Suicide is such a difficult subject. I dont think that anyone realises how much they mean to people.
Also when I was 18, a girl from our year was in a car accident, and died at the scene. All of these girls were popular and seemed to make like work for them.. all happy, had friends, support etc.
I got post natal depression after I had my 4th child. I'd never had it before and didnt really understand it. It was as if my body and my mind were not 'together'. I was just going through the notions of living rather than actually living. I lost control of my children, my marriage, my house.. I lost everything really. I could feel myself starting to lose it.. it was as if I was shaking.. it was like a sudden burst that needed to escape. It was an incredibly odd feeling and not one that I want to repeat. I was certainly not me at all. I felt that the only way to get a break from everything was to take myself out of it. I had it planned on what to do and when to do it. There were 2 things at the time that stopped me.
The first thing was Gavin. He was at work when I wanted to.. I could not imagine him coming home and finding me there like that. He would have been devastated and it would've ruined him. He would have had to deal with work, the house (which was in a right awful state) and the children. It wasnt fair. I loved him too much to hurt him.
The second thing (which should be the 1st thing), is my girls. I didnt want them going to school and being known as the kids whose mother killed herself. I didnt want them teased for it or have them think that I didnt love them. I wasnt worried about the care of them as I know that Gavin could if he had to, and my Mum would aswell.
I left that day anyway. I was desparate, and asked on a public messageboard that I used to a part of, what the hell was wrong with me, and how I could stop crying. They all told me to talk to my doctor or my midwife which was fine. Gavin came home, found me crying and someone alerted a friend of mine that I needed help. She came to help me but I didnt want her here. I wanted to be left alone to deal with things but she didnt understand that. I packed what I could grab and just drove. I ended up at my mums house 5 hours away. Gavin was scared as he didnt know what was going on or what was happening. He came to my mums when he found out though. I needed help but I needed space.
The friend that came to help me, was genuinely worried at the time. She didnt understand what I was going through, what having 4 children with a husband who worked all the time was like. She didnt understand that I needed time to get myself together. Fair enough as a friend she could have been involved, but this was a major time in my life and I just needed space.
It turned very nasty, very fast. Which is actually one of the worst things to have happened. It all started when daughter number 4 was 2 weeks old. She is now 6 months old. In that time, too much has happened and I really didnt get to have a 'baby' for long because I was a mess. I didnt even want to leave the house because I was scared of seeing my old friend.
The whole thing could have been avoided if I had just been given space to become ME again in the first place. It all got dragged out, and played out on the public messageboard that I was a part of. I was so angry, and so bitter, for a long time about it all. She blames for everything and tried to ruin things for me. She threatened to ring Gavins bosses, my friends.. she wanted to hurt me in every way she could. I dont think that she realised that she had already so it didnt really matter.
Today though, its a different story. About a month ago, I did a big blow out thread on the messageboard, swearing and telling her what I thought.. I didnt sleep much that night. I felt so low about how far I'd gone. She was once a great friend and all I wanted to do was hurt her. I'm not that sort of person. I emailed her.. I got the response I expected, but at least I know that its off my shoulders. I apologised for the thread, explained a few things.. she doesnt understand. I doubt she ever will which is rather sad.
That has been a rather big part of my life over the last 6 months. She was my best friend and the loss of that friendship was displayed so publicly and humiliating for both of us.
I'm not bitter anymore though. I'm not angry. I'm just calm and happy with where my life currently is.
Friday, April 11, 2008
OMG I'm so bored
Well this is my first blog on here.
I'm bored, hence my blogging! Not that I have nothing to do.. trust me, I have plenty to do. We are moving house (districts) soon, so I *could* be packing.. I'm also studying to get a diploma and so I *could* be studying right now.. but blurgh.. I cant be bothered.
I have 4 children, and will not be having any more. I'm too young to have 4 children (obviously not but you get the point).
What do people do when they are stuck in a bored rut?
I guess thats when people start thinking too deeply and understanding the world at a different level. Where you start wondering how many particles there are of wax in the average candle.. if vegetables boast each other on to grow faster etc.
I dont usually wonder about those things, I usually wonder about the world and what everyone else is doing at this very particular moment?
I can't get out to see the world because of my responsibilities here as a wife, and as a mother. Which is fine, I love my family very much and wouldn't change them for anything. I'm incredibly blessed and so, so lucky to be where I am.. especially at my age as many people go right through life without having half of what I've got.. but it doesnt make me stop thinking about the world and what is happening around it. There are SO many different ways of life, so many choices, so many questions. I wont get to see a lot of the world in my lifetime, so I use the internet and good ole' google to see what I want to see. The differences in countries are amazing. I have so many questions, but I think that I offend people when I ask - maybe I'm too 'out there'.. maybe I think too much.. **sighs**
Oh well. Maybe someone somewhere will help me answer my questions one day
I'm bored, hence my blogging! Not that I have nothing to do.. trust me, I have plenty to do. We are moving house (districts) soon, so I *could* be packing.. I'm also studying to get a diploma and so I *could* be studying right now.. but blurgh.. I cant be bothered.
I have 4 children, and will not be having any more. I'm too young to have 4 children (obviously not but you get the point).
What do people do when they are stuck in a bored rut?
I guess thats when people start thinking too deeply and understanding the world at a different level. Where you start wondering how many particles there are of wax in the average candle.. if vegetables boast each other on to grow faster etc.
I dont usually wonder about those things, I usually wonder about the world and what everyone else is doing at this very particular moment?
I can't get out to see the world because of my responsibilities here as a wife, and as a mother. Which is fine, I love my family very much and wouldn't change them for anything. I'm incredibly blessed and so, so lucky to be where I am.. especially at my age as many people go right through life without having half of what I've got.. but it doesnt make me stop thinking about the world and what is happening around it. There are SO many different ways of life, so many choices, so many questions. I wont get to see a lot of the world in my lifetime, so I use the internet and good ole' google to see what I want to see. The differences in countries are amazing. I have so many questions, but I think that I offend people when I ask - maybe I'm too 'out there'.. maybe I think too much.. **sighs**
Oh well. Maybe someone somewhere will help me answer my questions one day
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