Mental Illnesses

I wonder if there are people who never suffer from mental illness. Surely everyone at some stage of their lives have troubles in life that they cant or dont want to deal with. Maybe they dont come under mental illness and more like 'unable to handle situations'. What point does it become an illness?

I've written a snippet about my post natal depression in a previous blog, but I want to elaborate slightly after an incident a couple of days ago. I never understood depression at all. I didnt understand post natal depression or 'normal' depression. We have a very good family friend who means a lot to us and my family, who is suffering from depression. He has suffered a long time with it and its his never ending battle. He is a lot more open about things than I could ever be, but he has done a lot crying for help. I think that people are getting to the stage of tiredness of it. I think that its because of lack of understanding.

Depression isnt a choice. I used to think that people could just get over it, and that they need to think positively, surround themselves with positive things and then it will just 'go away'. No matter how good your life is, or how many things you've got going for you there are, depression isnt about that.. its like an outer body experience. Its honestly as if you are being taken over by a greater being where you have no choice of what you are doing or what is happening. I can feel it happening. Its quite an anxious feeling where you dont know where to go or what to do. You go through the motions of living without any feeling. You know what needs to be done and you do it, but you dont realise that the things will be done.. so you stress. It can be quite shaky. You can not control it. Its as if you are 2 people in one and you only have control 40% of yourself. I can understand why mothers commit suicide after having their babies. Its as if there is no end and they're not worthy of what they've got. They ARE worthy though. Good people go through terrible things.

2 days ago, I got into a bit of a state. No one knew, but I did. I could feel it. It was taking over. I got into an argument with my partner and wanted to leave. I didnt want to go through what I went through before, so this time I actually rang him and told him where I was going. I had a day out with the girls, spent some money which felt great! and carried on. I went to the supermarket that evening though and it was the same.. I could see myself just sitting in the middle of the isle crying. Thats ALL I wanted to do. My eyes were filled with tears and I just wanted to sit down and cry. Maybe I was winning 60/40 as I didnt actually sit down. I think that is one of those moments that could really change everything.

The thing about this is, I know what to do. I know that I can ring the mental health people and talk to them, I know I'm meant to talk to my partner.. I know there are resources out there, BUT if anyone DID in fact know, then they would put me back onto medication. I dont want medication, I dont want the weekly phone call checks. I want to be me, and I want to live.

I actually wonder if its bought on by stress. I have a lot going on at the moment and things dont seem to be slowing down. There is always something to worry about.. I think that I will be free of stress in July 2009. There is too much happening in between those times.

I am hoping that stress is the cause of my mental pictures. Its not a dream, as I'm awake but every night before I go to sleep.. my head hits the pillow and I close my eyes .. and the very first thing that I *see* is I'm under water looking up. I can see the sunlight but I cant make it to the top of the surface. For some reason, I never make it to the surface. I've had this 'vision' for months now. I try not to think about it, but I just dont 'get it'.