Unfortunately - death

Still same ole' same ole'.
Daughters number 1 and 2 are at school, daughter number 4 is asleep and daughter number 3 is entertaining herself with her wardrobe. The housework is done for the day.. so all of this gives me time to think **sighs**.. its an odd feeling when you have had time to do that for a while.

A friend of a friend died over the weekend and the funeral is today. I was meant to be watching her children for her but she was worried that the funeral would take too long. I dont mind either way.
Death though. The girl that died was only 15. Thats not fair. Where is the life? Why? I dont understand why children and teenagers have to deal with such things thrust upon them? It wasnt suicide.. it wasnt a choice. Her life was taken by a brain tumor. Why is it that some have it so easy and others have it harder than you could ever imagine?
I feel in the middle of these 2 things. I feel that I'm incredibly lucky to have what I have and am *waiting* for something to go wrong. Its hard.

When I was 17, one of the most popular girls in school killed herself. I have never understood it, nor forgotten. I felt so guilty that I had just brought a life into the world and she had taken hers out. She was such a beautiful person. She was nice to everyone, she was very pretty, she had a job, a car, so many friends, she was very bright and could have gone so far, and done anything .. she had more options than most people. I dont understand. I dont think many people can. I can understand the feeling of wanting to take yourself out as I've been there, twice in fact.. but I'm still here.

When I was 18, another one killed herself. That one was a tough one as she was the best friend of one of my best friends. My best friend is an incredibly strong person and handled it as well as anyone could but it was heartbreaking.. it took her a long time. Suicide is such a difficult subject. I dont think that anyone realises how much they mean to people.

Also when I was 18, a girl from our year was in a car accident, and died at the scene. All of these girls were popular and seemed to make like work for them.. all happy, had friends, support etc.

I got post natal depression after I had my 4th child. I'd never had it before and didnt really understand it. It was as if my body and my mind were not 'together'. I was just going through the notions of living rather than actually living. I lost control of my children, my marriage, my house.. I lost everything really. I could feel myself starting to lose it.. it was as if I was shaking.. it was like a sudden burst that needed to escape. It was an incredibly odd feeling and not one that I want to repeat. I was certainly not me at all. I felt that the only way to get a break from everything was to take myself out of it. I had it planned on what to do and when to do it. There were 2 things at the time that stopped me.
The first thing was Gavin. He was at work when I wanted to.. I could not imagine him coming home and finding me there like that. He would have been devastated and it would've ruined him. He would have had to deal with work, the house (which was in a right awful state) and the children. It wasnt fair. I loved him too much to hurt him.
The second thing (which should be the 1st thing), is my girls. I didnt want them going to school and being known as the kids whose mother killed herself. I didnt want them teased for it or have them think that I didnt love them. I wasnt worried about the care of them as I know that Gavin could if he had to, and my Mum would aswell.

I left that day anyway. I was desparate, and asked on a public messageboard that I used to a part of, what the hell was wrong with me, and how I could stop crying. They all told me to talk to my doctor or my midwife which was fine. Gavin came home, found me crying and someone alerted a friend of mine that I needed help. She came to help me but I didnt want her here. I wanted to be left alone to deal with things but she didnt understand that. I packed what I could grab and just drove. I ended up at my mums house 5 hours away. Gavin was scared as he didnt know what was going on or what was happening. He came to my mums when he found out though. I needed help but I needed space.
The friend that came to help me, was genuinely worried at the time. She didnt understand what I was going through, what having 4 children with a husband who worked all the time was like. She didnt understand that I needed time to get myself together. Fair enough as a friend she could have been involved, but this was a major time in my life and I just needed space.
It turned very nasty, very fast. Which is actually one of the worst things to have happened. It all started when daughter number 4 was 2 weeks old. She is now 6 months old. In that time, too much has happened and I really didnt get to have a 'baby' for long because I was a mess. I didnt even want to leave the house because I was scared of seeing my old friend.

The whole thing could have been avoided if I had just been given space to become ME again in the first place. It all got dragged out, and played out on the public messageboard that I was a part of. I was so angry, and so bitter, for a long time about it all. She blames for everything and tried to ruin things for me. She threatened to ring Gavins bosses, my friends.. she wanted to hurt me in every way she could. I dont think that she realised that she had already so it didnt really matter.

Today though, its a different story. About a month ago, I did a big blow out thread on the messageboard, swearing and telling her what I thought.. I didnt sleep much that night. I felt so low about how far I'd gone. She was once a great friend and all I wanted to do was hurt her. I'm not that sort of person. I emailed her.. I got the response I expected, but at least I know that its off my shoulders. I apologised for the thread, explained a few things.. she doesnt understand. I doubt she ever will which is rather sad.

That has been a rather big part of my life over the last 6 months. She was my best friend and the loss of that friendship was displayed so publicly and humiliating for both of us.

I'm not bitter anymore though. I'm not angry. I'm just calm and happy with where my life currently is.