My blog is so sad

Why is it that I only ever want to talk about the sadness and bad things that affect me in this blog? I'm not a depressed person, and I'm usually pretty happy - maybe this can be my 'out'.

There is something in particular that I want to 'let go of' though. I dont think I can, as its going to be a hard, and long process of reoccurance.

Now, I'm a dairy farmers wife and I'm very hands on.. I love it.. I love being outside, I love feeding the babies, I love milking, I love being with the animals.. I love the freedom of the farm.. the wind blowing on your face as you're riding the bike down the track, or the rain pissing down on your glasses so you cant see but you're wrapped up in a big wet weather jacket and all warm. When it snows and you're struggling to get cows out of paddocks.. when you put your arm in a cold trough to unscrew the ballarm.. its all brilliant and I'd do this any day .. BUT.. there is always one downside to everything.. and with dairy, I think that the downside is death.
I love the animals, and being a mum, I think I 'feel' too much when it comes to calving time.
The whole theory of taking a newborn baby off of its mum is TERRIBLE and I hate it. But knowing that this beautiful newborn baby is born as a bull, or wasnt a baby from a recorded bull, then they are going for slaughter. I spend 4 days with each calf, teaching this little one to suckle and drink, watching it get excited when I come near the calf sheds, hearing the calls.. watching their tails shake and wag with joy when they are feeding.. and after the 4 days is up, the truck comes.. the men get out and take my beautiful babies away for slaughter.
I'm welling up as I'm typing this.
This is so much harder this year. It was always on my bosses.. it was their calves, their calls.. on their heads. This time, even though we're employed, I know that I'm in charge of the calf pens, in charge of the calves, and basically, their lives lay with me. Why is it so bloody hard? Should I really be in love with such a lifestyle that is all built on something like this?
I cry for the first bobby pick up. This time its so much worse because I can feel it already.. I know what is coming. This isnt fair.. why do we have to go through this?

If that isnt disturbing enough.. did you know, that milk factories are now buying colostrum at huge prices.. so if you dont want to feed the unwanted calves good colostrum, you could sell your colostrum to the milk factory and just shoot the calf. We were told this today by a vet who seemed to advise it. I'm going to go broke as a farmer because my heart is in it too much.

I guess you really can hate something that you love so much.