When you are going through hell .. just keep on going.

If that is so logical.. then why did I flop and fail?
This is hard.
This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. The stress is unbelievable. I'm just about ready to walk away.. WITH all of the debt that we've got into to get this far.

We hired 3 staff members, well 4 actually. One quit - which I am happy about, but we're still a staff member down, one is a dipshit and a fucken drama queen who goes on and on and on about quitting.. its all joking but sometimes I wish he WOULD. Hes away sick at the moment and so is his wife who normally helps me with calves. Thismorning was the weakest point that I've had.
You see, in other posts, I've talked about the bobby truck.. that was due thismorning, and I'm aware they can come anytime after 8.30 .. at 9 they turned up. I had booked 28 on.
What normally happens is the workers wife and I feed the bobbies, make sure they all get a really good feed, and then my partner and our 2 remaining staff move them to a pen which is on a large piece of concrete about a metre off the ground so the truck is the right height for them to be put on. Well thismorning, I had no one to help me feed them, no one to help me move them, no one to open the gates.. I had to do it all myself. Do you know how heavy a full, wriggly 25kg calf is? If you dont, then you're a dumbass because I just told you. I actually think they're more than that, and they dont come with handles. They move, and they're awkward. Half way through feeding them, I started putting the full ones into this pen, I got to 6 and heard the truck coming up the driveway.. that was it.
That was my point.
That was the point of the morning that I broke down and cried. It is so embaressing sobbing uncontrolably in front of 2 truck drivers. I found another in the pen that was ready - there are more.. but I gave up. I went out to make sure they'd feed thismorning, at 11pm last night, and came in just before midnight.. I knew last night that thismorning was going to be an easy feeding.. but it wasnt.
The worst part about all of this for me, is that I asked for help.. I asked my husband to help me with them. Before I even started the calves he had started on the ones that we are keeping.. why?? We can do those at ANY time.. the bobbies, we cant.
He is absolutely shattered. Hes been pushed to his ultimate limit this week.. there is nothing that we can do to solve this problem because its mainly due to the snow thats on the ground.. it increases the feeding out which is so time consuming and they are limited to which paddocks they use etc. They came in last night at 10 to 10.
I feel like we've been slapped in the face with these circumstances.. its not fair. My kids are suffering.. we all are.
We're going through hell. I dont know how to get out.