Why is it that I only ever want to talk about the sadness and bad things that affect me in this blog? I'm not a depressed person, and I'm usually pretty happy - maybe this can be my 'out'.
There is something in particular that I want to 'let go of' though. I dont think I can, as its going to be a hard, and long process of reoccurance.
Now, I'm a dairy farmers wife and I'm very hands on.. I love it.. I love being outside, I love feeding the babies, I love milking, I love being with the animals.. I love the freedom of the farm.. the wind blowing on your face as you're riding the bike down the track, or the rain pissing down on your glasses so you cant see but you're wrapped up in a big wet weather jacket and all warm. When it snows and you're struggling to get cows out of paddocks.. when you put your arm in a cold trough to unscrew the ballarm.. its all brilliant and I'd do this any day .. BUT.. there is always one downside to everything.. and with dairy, I think that the downside is death.
I love the animals, and being a mum, I think I 'feel' too much when it comes to calving time.
The whole theory of taking a newborn baby off of its mum is TERRIBLE and I hate it. But knowing that this beautiful newborn baby is born as a bull, or wasnt a baby from a recorded bull, then they are going for slaughter. I spend 4 days with each calf, teaching this little one to suckle and drink, watching it get excited when I come near the calf sheds, hearing the calls.. watching their tails shake and wag with joy when they are feeding.. and after the 4 days is up, the truck comes.. the men get out and take my beautiful babies away for slaughter.
I'm welling up as I'm typing this.
This is so much harder this year. It was always on my bosses.. it was their calves, their calls.. on their heads. This time, even though we're employed, I know that I'm in charge of the calf pens, in charge of the calves, and basically, their lives lay with me. Why is it so bloody hard? Should I really be in love with such a lifestyle that is all built on something like this?
I cry for the first bobby pick up. This time its so much worse because I can feel it already.. I know what is coming. This isnt fair.. why do we have to go through this?
If that isnt disturbing enough.. did you know, that milk factories are now buying colostrum at huge prices.. so if you dont want to feed the unwanted calves good colostrum, you could sell your colostrum to the milk factory and just shoot the calf. We were told this today by a vet who seemed to advise it. I'm going to go broke as a farmer because my heart is in it too much.
I guess you really can hate something that you love so much.
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Thursday, July 17, 2008
Loss
I dont think that I used to wonder about 'loss' before. I think it was more of when someone said that they lost someone, then that person had died.. so I guessed there was only one way of losing someone - death. I've since discovered, that there are certainly more ways to losing someone.
After suffereing from post natal depression, I felt lost as a person, and I guess that my family lost me then.. thankfully I was found.
I'm about to lose my Dad. He isnt going to die, and isnt suffering a mental illness, but I'm going to lose him.
You see, my Dad is different than anyone that I know. He was brought up with his brothers, no sisters, and he suffered from something that protected him from his abusive father. He's seen a lot in his life.. he is in his 50s and has been separated from my mother for a couple of years now. He was always very happy in his own skin.. he was happy to buy the cheapest run down house in the street because it would save money.. he was happy to buy the cheapest car, the cheapest bike.. he even made me particular toys that I wanted when we couldnt afford the real thing. He didnt really know how to bond with his children, but since having grandchildren, its really brought him out. We all love my Dad. He is a genuine, down to earth, caring man who would bend over backwards for anyone in need. He has certainly helped my husband and I get to where we are today.
I appreciate him, and what he has done for us, and my children.
Now, dont get me wrong here, as I fully expected him to move on with life, and get a new partner, and possibly move in with them. In my mind, they moved in with him as our family home is quite nice and in a good location. However.. it hasnt worked that way.
I'm not sure if I created a blog about his girlfriend or not. I remember typing about it. Well.. they're moving in together.. well they're talking about it.. but it will happen. I think I said in my last blog that I'm not 'her' type of person. My dad is changing, she has changed his entire wardrobe, shoes.. his fricken haircut. She doesnt like my children.. she made that clear on that one day that we met her. She apparently doesnt like the cold so wont come and visit us here.. I think its just a ploy to block us out. Hello .. I exist and I'm not going away. My dad, has worked for everything he has (well my mum got him there but still..) and he is now going to sell everything that he has worked for... every .. single... thing. He was talking about selling his work truck, all of his tools, chainsaws, EVERY thing. This may not sound like a huge thing, but he is a serious hoarder. They have tv programmes about hoarders and I always used to worry that we'd be on it one day! He is even wanting to sell the house. He's been in the house for 13 years now, and is thinking of selling it.
I cant believe it. I'm gutted. I can see it all happening before me.
He'll sell it all.. live a good life for a while.. and when the money goes, she'll throw Dad away with nothing. Why would she want to change a man so much? He is the opposite person that he used to be. I think he was quite alright the way he was. Fair enough, good changes could have been made, but ... this is extreme.
What is one meant to do? He is very much into his new woman, and if anything negative is said about her, I'd hate to think of what would happen. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.. maybe I should see a psychic.
This sucks.
After suffereing from post natal depression, I felt lost as a person, and I guess that my family lost me then.. thankfully I was found.
I'm about to lose my Dad. He isnt going to die, and isnt suffering a mental illness, but I'm going to lose him.
You see, my Dad is different than anyone that I know. He was brought up with his brothers, no sisters, and he suffered from something that protected him from his abusive father. He's seen a lot in his life.. he is in his 50s and has been separated from my mother for a couple of years now. He was always very happy in his own skin.. he was happy to buy the cheapest run down house in the street because it would save money.. he was happy to buy the cheapest car, the cheapest bike.. he even made me particular toys that I wanted when we couldnt afford the real thing. He didnt really know how to bond with his children, but since having grandchildren, its really brought him out. We all love my Dad. He is a genuine, down to earth, caring man who would bend over backwards for anyone in need. He has certainly helped my husband and I get to where we are today.
I appreciate him, and what he has done for us, and my children.
Now, dont get me wrong here, as I fully expected him to move on with life, and get a new partner, and possibly move in with them. In my mind, they moved in with him as our family home is quite nice and in a good location. However.. it hasnt worked that way.
I'm not sure if I created a blog about his girlfriend or not. I remember typing about it. Well.. they're moving in together.. well they're talking about it.. but it will happen. I think I said in my last blog that I'm not 'her' type of person. My dad is changing, she has changed his entire wardrobe, shoes.. his fricken haircut. She doesnt like my children.. she made that clear on that one day that we met her. She apparently doesnt like the cold so wont come and visit us here.. I think its just a ploy to block us out. Hello .. I exist and I'm not going away. My dad, has worked for everything he has (well my mum got him there but still..) and he is now going to sell everything that he has worked for... every .. single... thing. He was talking about selling his work truck, all of his tools, chainsaws, EVERY thing. This may not sound like a huge thing, but he is a serious hoarder. They have tv programmes about hoarders and I always used to worry that we'd be on it one day! He is even wanting to sell the house. He's been in the house for 13 years now, and is thinking of selling it.
I cant believe it. I'm gutted. I can see it all happening before me.
He'll sell it all.. live a good life for a while.. and when the money goes, she'll throw Dad away with nothing. Why would she want to change a man so much? He is the opposite person that he used to be. I think he was quite alright the way he was. Fair enough, good changes could have been made, but ... this is extreme.
What is one meant to do? He is very much into his new woman, and if anything negative is said about her, I'd hate to think of what would happen. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.. maybe I should see a psychic.
This sucks.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Okey dokey
Its been a while huh.
I've recently found out what 'busy' means.. damn.. I was in for a treat. Its crazy.. life can be crazy.
I have too many things to type about, so again, I'll jump all over the place.
First of all though .. guess who got a crash course in tractor driving with no instructor? ME !! My husband took his 4wd bike up to the cows over the weekend when it was just him working as the guys were having their days off.. and he got stuck.. only God knows why he attempted to go through the muddy slush mess that he got stuck in. Anyway, the 2 month old tractor was sitting in the shed with the forks on the ground.. for someone who had never started a tractor before, especially one with forks on it, had to get in, drive it 5km up the road (its 100km zone and the tractor goes a maximum of 40km), and pull my husband out of the mud in the middle of a paddock. Oh man. That was an experience.. its like driving over a bridge.. really uncomfortable but you have no choice.. if you want to get to where you're going, you just have to do it!! I figured it out alright and I feel actually did quite well. It would have been far better if I had figured out how to use the radio though!!
Right.. I'm fat. Well, not so much, but I am rather plump. I've had 4 kids, give me a break. I carry the weight around my belly and feel completely and utterly unattractive. I'm very self consious about it and rather uncomfortable.. but at the end of the day, I dont have the time or energy to exercise. I cant run like I used to, hell I cant even walk like I used to. I know its something that you have to build up to, but still.. I'm so unfit that its unbelievable.
I hate feeling fat. I just wish I could shrink without having to work at it.
Have you ever got that feeling when you walk into a room and everyone was just talking about you, and you get this eery silence that is awkward and uncomfortable?? Well I can officially say that I have now had that feeling. We had my mums birthday recently which was a quiet family dinner at my aunts house. I love my family, they're all really great people.. but I dont understand certain aspects of it. Maybe I've changed? Maybe its not them.. I dont know.. I dont get it. I just felt really on the outside.. my husband felt it aswell. I would never tell my aunt though as she goes out of her way to make people feel welcome. I think my children were well behaved, so I know it wasnt that.. it was just weird. Maybe things change when you're away for so long. I havent lived near them in a long time. I'm also so different. No one else there had any children, none of them work or live on farms, and they are all into the same things. I dont think I fit in anywhere in our family anymore.. its a bit odd to feel that way. Oh well.. instead of a black sheep, I think I'll go with being a fresian cow instead of a jersey LOL
My girls are good, they've settled into their school really well and we're really having a lot of fun these school holidays. I tried teaching my 2 oldest, how to play knucklebones.. they cant catch them on the back of their hand yet but they'll get there.. maybe I'll try elastics next.
Oh well .. I should really go and rest. I have my first ear infection and I should sleep while I can.
I might start writing more.. I'll have to try at least !
I've recently found out what 'busy' means.. damn.. I was in for a treat. Its crazy.. life can be crazy.
I have too many things to type about, so again, I'll jump all over the place.
First of all though .. guess who got a crash course in tractor driving with no instructor? ME !! My husband took his 4wd bike up to the cows over the weekend when it was just him working as the guys were having their days off.. and he got stuck.. only God knows why he attempted to go through the muddy slush mess that he got stuck in. Anyway, the 2 month old tractor was sitting in the shed with the forks on the ground.. for someone who had never started a tractor before, especially one with forks on it, had to get in, drive it 5km up the road (its 100km zone and the tractor goes a maximum of 40km), and pull my husband out of the mud in the middle of a paddock. Oh man. That was an experience.. its like driving over a bridge.. really uncomfortable but you have no choice.. if you want to get to where you're going, you just have to do it!! I figured it out alright and I feel actually did quite well. It would have been far better if I had figured out how to use the radio though!!
Right.. I'm fat. Well, not so much, but I am rather plump. I've had 4 kids, give me a break. I carry the weight around my belly and feel completely and utterly unattractive. I'm very self consious about it and rather uncomfortable.. but at the end of the day, I dont have the time or energy to exercise. I cant run like I used to, hell I cant even walk like I used to. I know its something that you have to build up to, but still.. I'm so unfit that its unbelievable.
I hate feeling fat. I just wish I could shrink without having to work at it.
Have you ever got that feeling when you walk into a room and everyone was just talking about you, and you get this eery silence that is awkward and uncomfortable?? Well I can officially say that I have now had that feeling. We had my mums birthday recently which was a quiet family dinner at my aunts house. I love my family, they're all really great people.. but I dont understand certain aspects of it. Maybe I've changed? Maybe its not them.. I dont know.. I dont get it. I just felt really on the outside.. my husband felt it aswell. I would never tell my aunt though as she goes out of her way to make people feel welcome. I think my children were well behaved, so I know it wasnt that.. it was just weird. Maybe things change when you're away for so long. I havent lived near them in a long time. I'm also so different. No one else there had any children, none of them work or live on farms, and they are all into the same things. I dont think I fit in anywhere in our family anymore.. its a bit odd to feel that way. Oh well.. instead of a black sheep, I think I'll go with being a fresian cow instead of a jersey LOL
My girls are good, they've settled into their school really well and we're really having a lot of fun these school holidays. I tried teaching my 2 oldest, how to play knucklebones.. they cant catch them on the back of their hand yet but they'll get there.. maybe I'll try elastics next.
Oh well .. I should really go and rest. I have my first ear infection and I should sleep while I can.
I might start writing more.. I'll have to try at least !
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)